In-laws wanted our home to sleep/party with 15+people without us…

This is complicated. Short version, DH’s sister and BIL wanted to stuff our new home with 15 or more people the weekend after Thanksgiving   to celebrate DH’s brother-in-law’s big birthday, and maybe do so without us around. Not knowing a date, we semi-committed to fewer people, and SIL repeatedly did not listen to my boundaries/expectations, and when I let her know how I feel about that, she is now pissed and “rejecting me.”

My husband and I spent the last seven years building a retirement home in another state a few blocks from a very beautiful beach. A labor of love, we did quite a lot of the work ourselves, which is why it took us so long. As we were designing it, we shifted through many ideas, big vacation rental property? Small retirement-just-for-us? We finally landed on a 3 bedroom home for us to eventually retire in, but rooms so our sons and their possible future families could visit. But even 7 years ago, we had no idea how long it would take, how close we would be to retirement when it was finished. This is relevant because it probably allowed people to fantasize it would be “available” until we retired.

This past Feb, my husband's sister and her husband came with us to visit the house. We finally had our Certificate of Occupancy, but the space was still not complete, nor fully furnished. They loved it, of course, and hinted that they could use the house to invite their children and grandchildren in the future. We’ve met SIL step-children a few times and were not averse to the idea, but nothing was laid in stone, no plan, no ideas. At the time, we were not even sure we would be living there by the end of the year. But at no point did we offer the house as a party site for 14+ people  without our presence.

Fastforward, we are moving there in October.  About a month ago, my SIL began reminding my husband of the Feb conversation about her husband's milestone birthday and how nice it would be to have the party at the beach.   But apparently, she has in mind not just the 9 people from her family, but also old friends and cousins, etc. With the two of them, us and our Mil on top of that, we can’t accommodate them. My husband told her, “Well, that’s a lot.  Maybe some of your extras can stay in a house nearby.”  So he asked his sister for a guest number list and dates she was thinking of.  My DH and I even talked about maybe renting a small cottage we had used while building our home for us and our dogs, but once he had heard she wanted to include all the possible extras, we were thinking, she’ll need a bigger house anyway.   Giving up our beds would only give her two more sleeping spots…

SIL called me and I got the sense that when she was thinking of this party, she had been hoping our house would be empty and they could just use it like anybody else's vacation rental, and stuff it with mattresses, etc.. but she didn’t outright say that.  She told me she was thinking about sometime in Dec or October; I reminded her we would be living there by then. Oh, even October?  I didn’t realize. But she was still vague on her numbers, and never gave me a real amount.  I understand she was unsure because all these invitees would be flying/driving in from various states and their schedules might be dictated by prices and timing.  But she could have said “I’d like to invite this many people, and what are some dates that work for you?  Can we make that work somehow?”

She waffled about how she wasn't sure who would come, but pressed how important everyone was. She asked how many people we could sleep, and I answered we had beds for 8 people, but could put down a mattress for another 2, maybe 3.  We even discussed if her 4 grown grandchildren would really want to share a room, or whether she could get her brother to sort of talk to their mother about not coming.  She then began suggesting ways to stuff more beds (so we could sleep more than 10) in the parlor or living-room.  I said, even if we pt MIL in the front room, that only leaves sleeping space for one more, so 11 total.   And she also said her DIL (3 people) would want to rent a hotel room and not share the whole house.  It sounded to me like she was trying to convince me it wouldn’t be as many people as we thought; it was also clear she was trying hard to make her guest list work.  But of course, there are not affordable hotels nearby.

Now a back story, we used to share a rustic mountain house with numerous other families and for years, we did stuff it to the gills over weekends and holidays and couldn’t care less what got stained or went missing.  And another bit of background, my mother passed last year and my father gave me many of her heirlooms and antique furniture this summer; I certainly care if they are damaged or go missing .  I told my SIL that our new home was not at all the same as the old mountain place, that these were our things, not throwaway things; I also mention (as my husband pointed out) that other houses around us were designed with tons of bedrooms, and little living space, but we chose not to do that.  (And I reminded her how much love we put into this place and this was our actual home and we'd be living there…with our dogs.)  I was trying hard to say, be considerate of our needs without outright saying, Are you fucking kidding me?

 She mentioned the previous conversation in Feb. I said, well, we did once think we could rent it out (she was not offering to pay, of course; and we’d never expect her to.)  And back then, we didn't really talk about everyone coming all at once. Plus, I told her, we also had not yet had anyone stay there without us prior to February, but since then several people we know have come down alone over the summer and there has already been damage or things going missing…so my interest in treating our home like a vacation rental or a guest house has disappeared. I made this clear to SIL.  (I did not mention that when they were there in February, it looked as if they had been using my fancy pillows and comforter to bolster lying upright, and right where their butts had smushed it all down, was urine on the pillow and comforter, like they cough-peed a little;  I just said, “Someone even peed…”)

She then asked for Dec 1-7. I looked at the calendar and saw that weekend was Tgiving weekend.  I reminded her that this was our first holiday in our new home and though we didn't have plans yet, we wanted the freedom to do whatever we wanted without being forced to make guests leave so we could prep the house for a bunch of other guests, right afterward, too. It was like I was talking to a wall. So I had to say, I need some buffer between that weekend and your visit. (Of course, this is complicated because my husband and our families will also want to see us on Thanksgiving. IT's a crappy time to plan some big party for my SIL's husband's family for probably even their guests.) I encourage her to think about October, and say people could get in the water. She says that date is too far from her hubby's birthday.  (Then why did she mention October at all?  Because she was hoping we weren’t going to be living there, yet.)

A day later she calls back and tells me, that her husband's DIL, "Mary" decided that the only time her family can travel would be Nov 29th thru Dec 4th–the day after Thanksgiving. I reminded my SIL of what I had already said. And she pushed a little, but agreed, well, she told "Mary" about Thanksgiving, but repeated this was the "only time” and they sure would want Mary there.  I set the same boundary. Again.

This past Labor day Weekend, we had already invited them and my MIL to come with us as we delivered more furniture, etc.  First came the problem that SIL didn't want us to throw a labor day event and include friends of ours…because of contagions. (She is "medically fragile" and her fragility comes in handy when she wants, so going to restaurants was fine-hosting our friends was not.) So she just wants the weekend to be just us. (Ironic, eh? But we accommodated her.) We were also annoyed by how they just made themselves at home by spreading their crap all over the island, leaving their shoes, empty cups, clothes, wherever, complaining about the thermostat, flushing things in toilets one shouldn't, sleeping super late, and trying to then define meal times because they had not even had breakfast yet, ignoring schedule things, expecting us to serve them weird stuff and though constantly asking if they could help, not helping and making excuses about not helping. This turned us both off.

And of course, the "party" came up. On Tuesday, after my husband left to return home for work, my SIL said her new date was Dec5-9. In this conversation I realized my SIL had lied about "Mary" not being able to come. I said, "Oh, I thought Mary could only come on the weekend after Thanksgiving." MY SIL said, "No, I was just trying to see if Nov 29th would work." Really? Uh, that is not what she'd said, and it’s evidence she didn’t care what I had said to begin with. First rejecting our Labor day plans as a guest and then accidentally revealing she lied really hurt my feelings.  It made me feel as if we really didn’t count, and she is just manipulating until she gets exactly what she wants, but I figure, the 7th would probably work somehow…And  then our BIL begins talking about putting beds in every nook and cranny, like I had not already given the number of people we could sleep.  I put my foot down. Again.

I said, "Wait, I know we had talked about maybe 10 people if the grandkids share a room,  But be honest, this weekend, with just five people—you two, me and DH, and your Mom—we were tight and that really only leaves the beds in the bonus room." I say the dogs will be tough and they say, it's ok, everyone likes dogs. I say, I don't care about those people, I care about my dogs freaking out or escaping (we’re next to a national forest full of alligators, bears and venomous snakes.) They push again and start talking about how my husband had discussed renting something else for us and the dogs.. and I agree this is a possibility.  (And frankly this is what I was thinking:  You people spread out and did whatever you wanted this weekend; being a block away, while you take over our home doesn’t sound great to me.)  So I say, even if we do that,  you want more than 10 people here, and I cannot see how.  SIL gets weepy because "It's just so hard to plan for this many people coming from opposite ends of the country… blahblah." I have to stifle my urge to say, NO DUH, I do it for you and all your flipping friends and family add-ons every holiday, juggling their needs, and shopping, cleaning, cooking…meanwhile you make pointed little jabs about my stress and how I am trying to do too much…

Then MY niece calls me and tells me to "SAVE the DATE." She finally set her destination wedding date, and guess what, it's Dec 7^th and six hours away from us. I told her about this "party" and my niece immediately began wondering if she could get married on the 8th instead. She wants us there that badly. I said, of course not; you do not schedule your wedding around my husband's brother-in-law’s birthday.

So discussing this with my SIL and her husband after the call, it's clear they had no intention of changing their date, and didn't seem at all upset at the conflict, as if, oh, well, if you have to go to the wedding…

I said I had to talk to my husband.

Some more back story. Every single holiday I have had to juggle  their demands accompanied by my husband's need to be with his family and my and our sons’ need to be with my family. I have been the primary hostess, sometimes to 30+ people, and I have included their friends and extras, and catered to their weird and ever changing dietary restrictions. They do not cook. My SIL and her husband have never hosted. Once they brought a bunch of take out containers to the mountians and I had to find dishes to heat the pre-prepped food anyway, and pack out the trash since there is no trash there…but otherwise, they offer very little help. Once, waaaaaay back when my SIL and BIL owned a small holiday cottage and wanted to host Thankgiving, they would not let us sleep there (there were two bedrooms and a big greatroom.) The MIL got the guest room, and no, we were not allowed to spread ourselves around their greatroom to sleep. We had to rent an expensive condo. AND THEN they would not let me cook in their brand-new kitchen. They literally said, they didn't want it messed up before they lived there. I was stuck at the condo cooking T-Day meal. So you can imagine what I want to yell at these people. I don't because I love my husband, and he is a good man and brother.

So fast forward five days, my SIL kept texting me questions about condos she was looking at for what I thought was her DIl who likes to stay in hotels, and I realized she's just bowling through sticking to using the house on my niece's wedding date (though noone in SIL's party has bought any plane tickets or agreed on a date either.) I talked to my husband and at first he was irritated about my niece's "last minute" (3 months?!) plans, basically saying his sister had first dibs. I was floored.  (He says now, that he never said that, that he was always irritated by his sis.)  I get he wants to be part of the party.

But then, he immediately said how entitled his SIL was acting, and he was not prepared to send me to the wedding without him, nor leave the house empty for his sister. So I text his sister and said as we were on our way to a work event, "I cannot talk right now, but I feel like you either did not hear me about my niece's wedding date conflict or you did not care. I need you to hold off right now on dates. With the 7th we are put in position of my family versus (my husband's) family, and it feels like our home is more important than us, or perhaps me. There is plenty of time still, you do not need to rush. (My husband) and I need this week to discuss this." Of course, she read it and did not respond.

So my DH and I began talking about our resentments about their past treatment and their entitled expectations, our concerns, recognizing how it all evolved, acknowledging our part in how it evolved, and frankly we did not know what to say or do at this point without making a huge rift. I don't want my husband to feel torn (like he always is), but we don't want so many people in our home without us, and we don't like how they are manipulating this and not caring about our concerns. My husband said, let me think about it, and I said  we should choose dates that work for us, set a body count, and ask for cleaning help, and be done with it.  We even talked again about renting that one cottage and to give them the 29th after Thanksgiving, but knew it still would probably mean they’d have to rent something else.

But Sil was too impatient and pissed off, and decided to do the party 6 hours away on the opposite coast, on Dec 7^th.  She called DH with only 5 minutes to talk so he couldn’t really discuss it, and told him the news that she rented a house with enough bedrooms for all of BILs family and friends, (and it was clear that her DIL was staying in the house she was renting, not a hotel.)  That it was more important for them to have everyone under one roof  (and I guess having her brother at their party didn’t matter anymore.).  I totally get that;  I would want my children with me, too.  But it was clear she was mad.  When he said, I get it; we just can’t have that many people there without us, she snapped, “I just wish you had told us that 2 weeks ago.”    Really?  But she then warned him they needed to have a serious talk about what to do with their mother when we move, and hung up before DH could talk about all the poor communication, and how we were trying hard to make it work.  (Yeah, she’s pissed enough that she resents us leaving Mil in her retirement community.)

A few days later, my BIL texted my Dh and said something like, “Thanks for laborday weekend.  I hope you and I can get past this all and not have bad blood about it.”  Noone has messaged me any thanks for my cleaning and cooking, nor planning and paying for a bonfire barbecue on the beach fees for them.   I had gone down a day early to clean the bathrooms and change the sheets, make sure fresh towels were ready, etc..  Plus, notice, if there is bad blood, why?  Do you need to make an apology for something?  Do you expect us to make one?  Huh?

THEN, a few days later I sent SIL an email about something unrelated, and I ended it with, “I’m glad you were able to figure out BIL’s party.  I know you really wanted your kids all under one roof. It’s what I would want with my sons and grandchildren, too.  I love you.”  (No way was I going to apologize for not being able to meet her expectations.)

She took several days to reply, and it was the most business-like answer, only responding to the first part of my email, not the part about the party.  She sent two nearly identical email about 3 minutes apart; the first one had a compliment in it, in a sentence that the second one had partially erased,  leaving enough evidence that she had rethought being nice.  (Whether she knew she was sending both, I will just ignore.) She always signs her email “Love” but this time it was “Gratefully.”  Again no thank-you to me, no apologies or no forgiveness, nothing.  

Obviously, as BIL says, there is bad-blood right now.  And I cannot believe this.  So AITA for setting boundaries and not accommodating them and everyone so they could have a free house?