Aug 9

It’s my birthday tmrw I’m doing something fun and I don’t know … I know my posts have been so low and sad but I was strangely happy today for no reason at all a few days ago I stood up to someone and did something I was always scared to do for fear of how people would think of me if they saw that version of me ya know not gentle version of me and it felt great it feels really good like for just a second I might’ve slipped out of my chains for just a second and the relief and proud feelings are leeeking in I of course got in trouble for defending myself but this time it was worth it and I did something out of the ordinary I asked out a really cute guy well not really I just asked him to be my friend but he immediately thought it was an ask out and had his GF talk to me ….. that was weird … he could’ve told me instead of sending his gf … like I literally thought he was single but ok but still SO PROUD of me I’m going out of my comfort zone all by myself and people have been a little kinder to me and I’ve been making work friends and I don’t know things are well I just know it won’t be for long because happiness will never stay forever and neither will sadness so I’m aware this will end but I’m glad to gain these small things and it’s my birthday soon so I’ll be taking care of myself really well and doing something sweet for me ! Um the guy I like continues to look at me and I’m just like what ? … I ignore him now that I know he’s taken but I want to know wth? He is thinking I REALLLLLLY want to know why he is looking he is LITERALLY craning his neck to look I just want to know how he is perceiving me really bad but I guess I’ll never know ….. however I’m sad I’m not even allowed to be friends with him … I seen him friends with other girls but it’s ok and he did spread the news about how I tried to talk to him … to everyone but that’s fine he’s just weird for that other people ask me out and of course it’s always the ones I don’t like but I don’t say anything like…. I just hope not EVERYONE knows that’s all

I have lots of love to offer and no where to put it because I don’t want it
I want to adore someone else I want a companion alone life is sweet but …. there’s a ease about being connected to someone there’s well I know I’ll always have trouble in that area but there is a sweetness to a companion

It’s just that nobody has or ever will treat me with love and or respect so I don’t think I’ll find anything and the ones that are good are taken sooo ….

I think I’ll be here by myself which I am now ok with I have grown to appreciate this life it’s just that of course a piece of me will always long for love

I’m so tired even though I’m sort of happy I’m unable to do as much as I want I am still getting things done but just not as fast as I want to and I’m trying to transition into something different and it’s so slowwwwwwwwwwwww I’m tying to build a different life and it’s coming very slowlyyyyyy come quicker !!!!

I want to travel and learn more but I feel like knowledge is hidden
I’m unable to find what I’m looking for I’m getting too tired