Endless Loop

I'm here to vent. I feel like i'm stuck in this endless loop. I'm 24, I've got a good job but that's about it really. I've got one or two good friends, but I rarely see them nowadays. Before anything else, I love my parents and I always will, but man do I carry so much resentment.

Back in school, my old mates used to jokingly say I was the ' asian girl' of the group, it was an all asian group and they were right. I never went out, I missed out on birthdays, trips to other places, hell even after school, I never got to do any of those, which is partly, why I wasted so much time in school trying to catch up. I was always the kid catching up. I still feel like I am catching up. I didn't get proper permission to go out until I was about 19 and even then it was in such a rare occurance. All my school friends outgrew me without me even realising it and then in 2021, I remember finding out that an old friend of mine took his own life. I didn't find out the same day, I was told months later, by someone on the train to work. I remember having to reconnect with an old friend, just to find out if the news was true and it was. I missed his funeral. I never got to show my condolences. I never got to speak to his family and I considered him close back in school. I remember going home and telling my parents and all I got was a very short, "I hope you're okay." followed by a lecture on why I shouldn't cry or worry because he was a different religion to me and that this was frowned upon. A lot of my life has just been me having to force closure on things. Now being 24 and having the freedom to actually go out, I realised that I'm now stuck not being able to make friends or the friends I do have are now at their settling down stages. I feel like i missed out on that crucial time. I didn't get my teenage years and I can't even catch up now. I never had the freedom when I had the time and friends, but now that I do have that freedom, those friends and that time is gone.

I'm stuck mentally, I only recently got some short-term counselling through work and having already ended, I'm left knowing that I need something long-term. My teenage years, I was often suicidal and I was actively self-harming. I still remember the day, my parents found out. Instead of support, I got nothing. I got lectured. I was made to feel like I was completely wrong. They hated it when I said I was going counselling at school. I'm still depressed now. I'm pretty much miserable most days, but it's almost numbing. I feel like I'm just playing a character most of the time now. I've pretty much been trying to treat myself mentally for the last few years and it usually results in bottling everything up. My anxiety has never been bad and I'm constantly walking around, feeling like i'm going to explode inside, but to the outside world, nothing, not a sign. I've pretty much been begging to just break down one day. It's been years and still no sign of it.

I have spent years trying to speak to my parents about everything. Everytime I thought I'd get through to them? Nothing. I bring up so much that has happened in the past and I get the "That didn't happen." There seems to be this culture of "parents are always right." My parents always ask for respect and yet they never respect my right to speak. To them life is just grow up, get a job, get married and have kids. My parents for the last year especially have been pushing for me to get married and only recently, I've managed to tell them, I don't want to and I know they're disappointed. They think I'm being childish, but the reality is that they've completely put me off marriage and I blame that on a mix of them not allowing me to marry someone i liked and me seeing their marriage in person. The crazy thing is there was no valid reason for them to not let me marry that woman i wanted. Especially islamically.

I feel stuck here. I used to always get the whole "when you're 18, move out!" talk from people who didn't understand things at all. I have younger siblings and I now feel like I'm the only thing that can cover for them. Plus, trying to move out in a south asian home? That is the perfect way to be kicked out of the family, that sounds fun. I might be an adult but they still treat me like a child at times and their excuse? "you'll always be my child". They don't even trust me to save money. 80% of my wages go to them and i've still been able to manage with that and whilst they haven't spent that money, i can't just 'use it'. Imagine working hard and not being able to use your own money? I get the concept of living under their rules but it's almost like I'm in a paradox here, I can pay rent anywhere but they won't let me. I could pay them rent but they won't let me.

I feel like in order to break the generational bad habits, I have to sacrifice my own desires here. I lost my years to go out and enjoy the world and now I can't even catch up. I almost feel like i'm going to eventually give in and marry someone I don't want, just to raise my kids not to do the same thing and teach my siblings to not go down my route. My life is constantly evolving in restrictions. It never changes.