So Fragile, So Fleeting

TW: mortality.

I learned today that an acquaintance is terminally ill. I'm not close with this person, but I have known them for at least a decade of my life. For some reason this hit me pretty hard, maybe due to the age proximity. It makes me think about my situation where I'm struggling to stay off the sauce, how helpless I feel in the face of it sometimes. How I am actively destroying my health. I feel selfish for thinking about these things, but I need to get it off my chest

I don't know this person well enough to reach out to them, and wouldn't know what to say if I did. Life can be so unfair sometimes. So fragile, yet there are people like me who are self destructive. I've spent years abusing myself, while other people take such good care of themselves and still end up drawing the short straw with some or other health condition. It's heartbreaking when people get so sick, and there's nothing anyone can do to help them.

I have shared my struggles with one of my siblings, and today I was sharing with them how this news made me feel. I told them how scared this makes me because I am struggling to look after myself. Life can be hard sometimes but I would really like to live for a good while longer. I can't imagine how it must feel to know the end is coming so soon, any hopes and dreams yet to be realized snuffed out. As I was lamenting, my sibling stopped me and simply said, "you'll figure it out. You'll be okay." I half jokingly said that I didn't understand how they could be so confident in me. "You're my brother," they said.

I excused myself so they wouldn't see me tearing up. I don't understand it, but I am so lucky to have this one person in my life who still believes in me.

I won't go into too much further detail, but it has been a tough week. I did drink, and no, it didn't help. Hopefully this week will be better.