God I fucking hate being alive

Every time someone around my age dies on the news I’m always like “why? Why can’t it be me? I’m a horrible fucking daughter to my mother. I have no desire to live anyway. I don’t deserve a parent. Mom probably don’t want a daughter with my personality if she knew.” If I could trade place with all those little kids in Uvalde I would. They had potential and I’m a depressed piece of shit. Why do people who deserve to die live long lives like me or Trump or whoever? And don’t bring up god, lmao he’s not on my side, he never was. I never felt his love that my parents forced me into. My dead dad, I don’t feel him watching over me and I don’t fucking blame him. WHO the fuck wants to watch over me? Fuck me. Fuck the person I am. Mom woke me up a few minutes ago to ask a lot of questions while I’m recovering from sleep and then get mad when I’m confused. Thanks for our daily <60 second talk mom, pissing me off as usual and reminding me how dead I need to be, the lazy piece of shit I know am. I don’t do that shit on purpose I swear to god. I forget things horribly and have been for years, and now I’m too angry to sleep. I loathe myself more than anyone. I wish I could sleep tonight and never wake up. I wish I was dead every single day.