BREAKING NEWS
How to Communicate with Your Boyfriend About a Disturbing Comment: A Guide to Avoiding Relationship Stress
Published on: March 10, 2023
Tags: How to tell your boyfriend a comment bothers you, Communication in relationships, Conflict resolution, Healthy relationships, Boyfriend tips, Relationship advice, Couples therapy, Communication skills
Are you struggling to convey your feelings to your boyfriend about a comment he made that left you feeling uneasy or offended? It’s essential to learn how to express yourself effectively to avoid misunderstandings and maintain a healthy relationship.
In this article, we’ll provide you with expert tips on how to communicate your concerns to your partner in a non-confrontational and constructive manner. With these simple steps, you’ll be able to resolve the issue and strengthen your bond.
Step 1: Choose the Right Time and Place
Pick a private setting where both of you feel comfortable and won’t be interrupted. Avoid bringing it up in public or when either of you is in a rush.
Step 2: Stay Calm and Objective
Take a few deep breaths and gather your thoughts before discussing the issue. Focus on the specific comment that bothered you, rather than generalizing or making assumptions about your partner’s intentions.
Step 3: Use "I" Statements
Instead of saying "You always make me feel," say "I felt hurt when you said…" This helps to avoid blame and defensiveness, allowing for a more open conversation.
Step 4: Explain Your Perspective
Share your feelings and why the comment was hurtful or frustrating. Be specific and use examples to illustrate your point. This helps your partner understand your perspective and shows that you’re willing to listen to their side.
Step 5: Listen Actively
Allow your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Make eye contact, nod to show you’re engaged, and ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand their perspective.
Step 6: Seek a Solution Together
Work together to find a solution or compromise. Avoid dwelling on the past or assigning blame, and focus on finding a mutually beneficial outcome.
Bonus Tip: Practice Empathy and Forgiveness
Remember that your partner is human and may not have realized the impact of their words. Be willing to forgive and understand that they didn’t mean to cause harm. By doing so, you’ll create a safer and more open environment for future conversations.
By following these simple steps, you’ll be able to effectively communicate your concerns to your boyfriend and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.
Share Your Story
Have you ever had to address a comment that bothered you in a relationship? How did you handle the situation? Share your story with us in the comments below!
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Additional Resources:
- 5 Tips for Improving Communication in Your Relationship
- How to Handle Conflict in a Healthy and Positive Way
- Building Trust in Your Relationship: Expert Advice
By learning how to communicate effectively, you’ll be better equipped to navigate challenging conversations and strengthen your relationship. Remember, open and honest communication is key to a happy and fulfilling partnership.
I(33F) never thought I would come on here and ask for advice, and I’m a little embarrassed, but I’m in need of some advice. Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I’ve been with my boyfriend (30M) for 2 years, long distance. It’s hard, but we make it work. We both have a lot of trust with each other, and we’ve been working on communication throughout our relationship. I didn’t understand how hard relationships were until I got into this long-distance relationship. It takes double the work sometimes. I feel like a lot of things would be easier if we were together, for obvious reasons. We both saw each other in the last couple months for his birthday, I visited him in his country, I met his family and we generally had a great time. I genuinely thought to myself “man he loves me so much” during that vacation. When I’m with him, I can see in person how much he loves me and cares for me. When we’re apart, we tell each other that we love each other almost everyday. I’m the first one to hear any news from when something happens in his life, and I find myself feeling like I’m genuinely so happy to be in a relationship with him. He’s been cheated on in the past and has been very open about how he feels about cheating, and how he’s doesn’t fuck with that kind of thing. If it ever came to the point where he wasn’t’ sure about the relationship, etc, he would be upfront and honest about it.
So to summarize, we have a good loving and trustworthy relationship.
Now he’s not on social media, but he does use reddit. Very early on in our relationship I found his reddit account by accident, I had seen something on there when I first discovered it and I brought it to his attention. I had been upfront and honest and said that I had found his reddit account and I was checking through his comments to see if this was actually his, when I came across an old comment about his ex and asked him if he had felt that way still. He said that he felt hurt that I read through his reddit posts, and that what he wrote in there wasn’t true anymore. He was still upset that I found and read his reddit. I told him that I wanted to be honest about it rather than hide and pretend that I didn’t see it. We eventually talked it through and we got over it.
I don’t go on his reddit account and snoop much since then. I will admit that sometimes I do because I’m just curious what he’s been up to. Or if I miss him I go. But it’s never out of not trusting him. All he comments on is sports, video games, and current events.
Which brings me to yesterday. I don’t know why but I went on his reddit account and looked through his comments. Part of me was hoping he was saying something nice about me but I mostly just found what he usually posts about. I know that it’s wrong to look through his account, I just was so tempted at that moment. That’s when I saw a post he had commented on. It was one of those rate my picture reddits. I’m assuming it was the face rating one, though I can’t be sure. My heart dropped because he rated it a 10. I went to the thread and the person had deleted their picture, and I saw that there were a few people who had comment. So overall a handful of comments. A lot of the comments said something similar 10/10, 9/10, and someone commented a person’s name Ex: “ [first name last name] ?? 10+. I looked up that person’s name and it turns out to be a pornstar. Someone with brunette hair and a light tan/white skin. I’m assuming that the girl had similar features to her. The title also said rate me F20. So cue the panic and anxiety.
I felt so anxious about it. I basically fucked around and found out. It really got to me, this was the first time he had ever commented on something like that. The thing that bothers me the most is that he felt like she was that hot/beautiful/pretty enough to comment “10”. I completely understand that people are people, and it’s naturally to think other people are attractive. I have no issue with that. But him commenting makes me feel like, he wanted her to know that he felt like she was a 10/10.
My friend said the same thing, that he’s only human and that he’s going to find people attractive, but she felt like the commenting was not okay. I don’t like that he commented on a strangers picture. I feel like it’s better for me to not know what exactly the picture was, but it makes me feel insecure. It made me feel really panicky. I don’t care if he watches porn or using the reddit incognito mode to look up nsfw things. I start caring when he crosses that stranger boundary and interacts with the person in someway. And for me him comments on a strangers picture like that is icky to me.
How can I bring it up in conversation that isn’t okay with me? Without bringing up the fact that I snooped on his account. I’ve been feeling anxious about this, and it’s making me feel some type of way. I feel bad that I looked at his account, and I know I should not have. But how can I address this properly, without mentioning that I saw his comment? Is there a way to bring it up naturally?
View info-news.info by Backburner_Throwaway
Oh, boy. There are so many red flags here on both your ends.
You cannot control other people’s actions. You especially cannot snoop and try to control other people’s semi-private actions, although your boyfriend is rather an idiot for not making a new account after the first time.
I agree, actually, that men who comment on rating/gone wild type Reddit posts are gross; they likewise give me the ick. However, you just cannot say to him, hey, I snooped on your Reddit account and saw that you rated this random girl 10/10, and I don’t want you to do that anymore. Even if you hid your snooping – even if he superficially agreed – he would only be agreeing to appease you in the moment, and likely this time learn from his mistakes and indeed start that new Reddit account to comment on more rating/gone wild (or similar) stuff in the future.
So, yeah. Get into therapy, work on your insecurities so you can stop snooping, and either dump this guy because he doesn’t share the same values as you OR learn to accept that this is just something he does. All this wishy-washy stuff in the middle is just forcing a round peg into a square hole.
I don’t think you can tell your boyfriend you saw him rate someone on Reddit without also telling him you saw his Reddit account. I’m not sure how you expect that would even work.
I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who rated people on the internet at this big age.
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The only way you can is by bringing up the fact that you continued to snoop even when he asked you not to.
I just don’t think this is the right relationship for you, tbh. You violated trust and boundaries continuously, and I don’t think any conversation you can have about his use of social media is going to result in a productive conversation around not commenting on 20 year olds pictures because ultimately you were violating his privacy in a way you were asked not to and he’s going to latch onto that if he tries to dodge responsibility. Given your reaction to it previously, I don’t trust that you won’t obsessively be checking his accounts for further activity even if he agrees with the conversation, nor could you trust that he stopped when you can make a new reddit account with a click of a button. It could also be his own shit test knowing you have access to his social media to see if you’re investigating his account by posting things that he knows are going to force you to talk with him about it, which is doomed relationship behavior regardless.
I agree with everyone here.
If he’s never done anything like this before or since, my guess is that it’s something that came across his feed, he commented after a brief thought, and then moved on. I doubt he’s dwelling on the 10 he rated her. Do I think it’s weird and gross? Yes. Would I be upset if my husband did that? Yes. But I would be willing to give the benefit of the doubt.
I do think your constant snooping is not great and indicates a bigger issue (even though you say it was just because you miss him). I think you need to work through your own insecurities because at the end of the day, they are your problem, and bringing them into the relationship will not set you up for an easy time.