Reaching her through meditation.

This is my first post here. I'm still a small child of Devi so forgive me for any mistakes. F19.
I would like to discuss about my experience about meditation.

After bathing, offering Jal to Shivling and doing puja, I sit down to meditate upon the Mahamaya, Mahakaali, Mahakalyanini.

I was given a mantra which I chant as I try to focus my breathing on my energy.

For a few days it was hard to even concentrate, one thing I found common was that during my meditation I saw flashing.. darkness and the light merging and colours clashing despite the room being devoid of any light or colour.

I saw patterns of light, which was linear, then a single dot of light in shape of a circle which I was aware the divinity and I focused more on it.

The circle of light became hollow, same as a darkhole as I focused on it more.

For a brief moment, the Om, Became just m

The simple M, turned into a breath

The breath turned into her.

My emotions took a toll on me.

Now all I wanted to do was meditate, to remember her and when I was meditating I wanted to experience that same despair of yearning for her.

I was in vairagya, I cried relentlessly, I felt unheard, I became calmer than before but I was still at war with the world, with the people surrounding me.
Each thought began with her and ended with her, her pictures were visible to my everyday life in different forms, posters, news, advertisement or simply in visions.

Then the dreams came, The sexual ones in nature, they were vivid and surreal, I felt threatened, I felt as if my devotion is a facade made by my consciousness. But I carried on mediation.

I reached a point where I was breathing so fast that I felt I had reach ecstacy.
I have only felt that emotion when I was active sexually, it was the first time it happened during meditation.

My physical body became an instrument of her.

3 cats visited my house, I gave them food before eating, then it turned into a ritual of giving them and my Isht Devi food before eating meal.

I played with children, and became more playful, people who caused me pain I forgave them quickly as they got miserable in their collective life.

I knew it was Devi, she took men out of my life so I only had her, and I did. I prayed to her, cried to her, slept while thinking of her, sang songs of her.

I wrote about her.

My routine of praying and then meditation changed, I meditated as soon as I woke up, I close my eyes and meditated upon Tripura Bhairavi and Ma Chinnamsta (Despite renowned practiners saying not to worship Chinnamsta as she is an Ugra avatar I did)

Because My Isht Devi is Chintpurni Ma, the calm version of Chinnamsta.

Devi Chinnamsta is the epitome of a Mother's sacrifice.

My meditation had many hurdles, with not finding a quite place in the busy city life. But when I was emersed in Devi, I forgot who I was.

In one such meditation incident;

I meditated in front of Shivling, a diya was lit in front, I focused on the Agni of the diya, I saw someone dancing it in, as if it was Shiva himself, then I saw him slow down, and saw the whole universe dance.

As I closed my eyes I imagined myself to be the one dancing in the Agni, I wanted to become one with her.

I forgot what time was, my legs were paralyzed, I couldn't move, I felt numb, ants bit me, but I was oblivious to the pain and smiled unknowingly.

I had finally gotten a grasp at mediating, at that point I felt like a tree. Still, yet giving.

As of now, I have stopped mediating, that experience was so consuming that I had forgotten who I was, why I was there.

After that I had acted like a mad woman, smiling whenever I was given pain because I knew it was all Devi.

All divine and I accepted whatever she gave me, her wrath or love.

Is there anything I had wrong wrong, or any questions I can answer.

Hari Om Tat Sat.