The guilt I feel from Euthanizing my 18yo Cat

I want to preface this by saying we recently had to take our min pin to the ER in July because she suddenly stopped walking. The vet said put her to sleep she’ll never walk again. She was walking two days later-he misdiagnosed her and I feel nearly all vets push too hard for euthanasia.

History: my cat, Bunny, was 18yo, born in 2006, I got her the same year. I grew up with her. I've had her half my life. Indoors only, tuxedo coloring with perfect mittens.

I regret euthanizing my cat-she’s been a fighter her whole life and she’s survived some amazing things—

In 2009 she found a hole in my then bf's apartment under the sink and wandered the entire apartment complex, but was gone for 7 days. The fire department showed up and was sawing into peoples ceilings….using thermal heat to find her, eventually they said to me they found a spot where they thought she was and that she had "expired". I said no no no. I slept on the floor next to that hole for two days waiting for her to come back. A downstairs neighbor knocked on the door early one morning and said "there's a little black and white cat in my kitchen" I ran downstairs and called her name, sure enough she poked her head around and ran right up to me meowing. The man also had a hole under his sink and left the cabinet door open to allow her to come out if she was there. She came out of this incident without a scratch on her.

Fast forward to 2020, she’s had no issues in all these years until one day I see her throwing up, and there was blood in it. I rush her to the vet and she has kidney disease, end stage I was told. And, she only has one kidney which was news to me. I set up a fluids treatment for her with the understanding it may not help. I dropped her off every morning and picked her up in the evenings for five days. She received fluids under her skin continuously for those days and by the 3rd day she was jumping off the walls, acting like normal. She fully recovered and I began the process of getting special CKD food for her, bought two large water fountains for her and my other cat. She was doing great, a little fatty at around 10lbs.

Skip to 2022 and I’m at home on the recliner, all of a sudden she jumps down, is walking wobbly, and falls over and starts to vomit. I see her eyes darting back and forth, she lets out a huge meow and is panting and wets herself. I rush her to the vet. She’s suffered a stroke. Her eyes no longer constrict and she has large button eyes. I’m told if she doesn’t recover in 72 hours it’s time for me to think about what’s best for her. I take two weeks off work and catch shit for it but, by the second day after tube/syringe feeding her and wiping her clean after wetting/messing herself, my exhausted self-sleeping on the floor with her with blankets-wakes up to a huge meow in my face. She meowed for the first time since the incident and was begging for food. I can’t express in that moment how happy I was. Her back legs took a hit after that and she always had a slight stiff leg and was just a hint wobbly, but she still ran around and ran up the steps, chased everything, could curl her body, etc.

2023- she suffers a second stroke. Blood pressure and all that was normal but her eyes really take a bigger hit this time, she was already losing her hearing but this made it worse. Her back legs got a little worse too. I had bought a cat wheel for her to help with her back legs but since it was neurological I really couldn’t do much. She recovered from this stroke in a day. Fully back to normal.

Earlier this year in 2024 during a routine vet visit to get an X-ray and check her kidney values (which had completely stayed the same, even went down a little) since 2020, I gave her a little too much gabapentin (used to calm her down because she gets “bitey” at the vet and they can’t do an exam without her slightly sedated) and that caused her kidney values to spike. My vet said if we don’t get these down this could be her end. I said no. I did another round of fluid treatment and the following week she was back to normal. Back to sassin me with her meows, back to her (now) 7-8lbs self.

September 1st, 2024. For the past two weeks she seemed a little more sleepy and was eating less. I could see her getting a little thinner. I figured this was because I changed schedules and she was not used to it. Instead of her following me to bed I was having to bring her into my bed. On 9/1, she all of a sudden was closing her left eye. I thought it was odd but figured she probably scratched it and decided to see how it was in the next day or two.

On 9/2 she peed on a blanket, which she never never does. It had some blood in it. Off to the ER we went. 8 hours later and after arguing with the ER to give her water and fluids because she’s a CKD cat (they weren’t going to give her anything until the vet saw her) I find out her left eye is glaucoma and she has a uti. Ok, meds and she’ll be ok right? I take her to my normal vet on the 4th and she said her kidney values have not improved since the ER visit but give it some time. “If anyone can get her kidney values back down it’s you”. I was confident but was also worried-she was now effectively blind but no problem, I took apart my bed and placed the mattresses on the ground and followed her around as she stumbled walking and finding her way back around the house. No steps for her anymore. She was barely eating on her own and she could hardly walk. I was syringe feeding her. She was drinking plenty on her own. She however was just peeing on the floor anywhere she saw fit which was fine, it allowed me to see there was no more blood in her urine, the antibiotics were working.

9/6- I get home from work and my mom says she hasn’t moved all day didn’t even get up for water which is highly unusual for her. She has always loved water and would always drink a boatload. I said ok she needs another round of fluids. I say her name but she doesn’t even lift her head up. I go pick her head up and it just falls back down. I syringe water to her and her other meds (from the ER visit earlier in the week) and keep her appointment at the regular vet for next week in mind. She fights me as usual for giving her the meds and the food/water. I then pick her up to place her in my lap and a huge gob of blood falls out of her, she was peeing as I was holding her. I freak out and wrap her in a towel and back to the ER. They take her right away-she let’s out a large loud howling meow as we go in and she’s breathing fast. Vet comes in and says she’s dying, recommends euthanasia, says she looks like she had some type of stroke and this seems neurological. I said no. Give her fluids and get her blood work see what her kidney values are. She says ok we will try to stabilize her. I’m crying on the phone to my parents and sister. My sister works in healthcare and said maybe see if they can get her stable and we can bring her back home, go to the regular vet tomorrow. I agree. Nurse comes in with a $5k estimate for all this stuff and I said no I only want fluids and blood work, see how she does with that. New estimate comes back and includes oxygen tank. Fine ok. All of a sudden dr comes in and says her heart and blood pressure were too low for bloodwork and her glucose has dropped. She’s in critical state and dying. I said I want to see her.

They wheel her in and her eyes look bright and alert. She tries to meow at me and nothing comes out. The vet (who seemed kinda bitchy to me) listened to her heart and said her heart is slowing, do you want to end her suffering now. I’m crying nonstop thinking in my mind what if she can bounce back from this like she has so many times before? What if she’s wrong about her like they were with our min pin? What do I do? I’m so scared. My sister is on the phone with me while on her way to the ER. The vet is pressuring me to make a decision. I grab her little mittens and see her trying to meow but nothing comes out. She’s so thin and a million things runs through my mind. I nod my head and say yes let her go. The vet already had the meds in her pocket I guess, because she instantly injected the stuff, didn’t even give me a second to protest my sister was on the phone saying she’s doing it now she’s doing it now? And I said wait to the vet but she didn’t stop, she injected the first syringe then the second. Not even 5seconds later my baby was gone and I grabbed her lifeless body and began whaling. I was devastated. I instantly regretted my decision I felt like I was letting the vet bully me into a decision. I keep thinking I could have gotten her to bounce back. Her eyes weren’t half lidded like previous animals we had to put to sleep, her eyes were fully open and even though she was nearly completely blind I think her attempts at meowing were because she knew I was there. I feel like I failed her like I didn’t try hard enough. I feel such guilt and remorse. I feel pain and sick to my stomach. I want to **** myself. I don’t want exist anymore. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I selfishly cut her life short. What if it had been an instance like my dog? Was she misdiagnosed and would recover in a day or two? She was such an amazing cat. She was so mischievous and smart, always bouncing back from everything.

I don’t want to move or do anything. I don’t even want to think. My heart hurts like I cannot express. My baby I’ve had all my 20s and nearly all my 30s is gone. She will never greet me at the steps anymore. She will never sassy meow me anymore. She will never paw at my face anymore. She will never cry for food anymore. She will never paw at my hand to lift the blanket for her anymore. I took her time from her and I hate myself. I hate myself so much right now. I don’t know what to do. Why didn’t I stick to my determination to just stabilize her and being her home? Why did I let this vet convince me to euthanize her?