Dear Celeste,

I have no idea if you're here, and if you are, it's in a sub of your first language. And despite my best efforts with Duolingo, I'd better write this in English. I have no expectations of you ever seeing this, so off to the void it goes…

Dear Celeste,

As I sat today waiting for what would never happen, I had a sudden realization. I am so thankful for not breaking your heart. You see, in a healthy relationship, both people need to come to the table at some point, and say, "This is my heart. It is fragile and it has been broken many times in many different ways. I choose to give it to you, knowing that you, like every other person on the planet, have a hammer in your back pocket and may break this heart at any time. But I choose you, for who you are, for who you have always been, and who you'll one day be. I trust you to take care of this precious gift, and in return I will earn your trust every day in taking care of yours."

I gave you mine and you took it. You didn't leave, you didn't talk to me about being scared, and you certainly never offered your heart to me. Instead, the action you chose, was to say nothing. Ever. You chose emotional neglect, and make no mistake, that's what it was. You chose fear over love. You chose imagined monsters over what was right in front of you. You chose to end this "relationship "long before it ever did. You held me to a standard no healthy person could ever meet, so when it did end you could say whatever it is that you justify your behavior with in order to push the pain away. "We broke up because he yelled." I'm sure that's what you tell yourself and other people. But would you dare to tell anyone why I was so upset? Unfortunately i doubt it, because that would mean confronting your own behavior.

In case you ever find all of that strength that you actually do have inside, here is what you can say: After months of feeling frustrated, and insecure, and guilty for feeling too needy and burdensome, for feeling like he was asking too much, for feeling like he was never good enough, for feeling like he must be absolutely CRAZY for wanting something healthy and normal in having a partner willing to express any emotions whatsoever, and after giving everything of himself that he could, J had a crystalline moment of clarity. He realized just how much he had broken himself in trying to climb walls that would always always be higher than what he could reach. He realized, in those last moments, that despite being next to the woman he deeply loves, he felt completely and desperately alone. Abandoned for the risk of imagined pain. He knew that it didn't matter what those people at the little house party said. It was the fact that choosing to do or say nothing, when he needed me then or over the course of the entire "relationship", spoke louder than any words I was too frightened to utter. That patience that I had so often expected but never returned, had finally run out. He realized how deeply unhealthy breaking yourself for someone who is too broken to show up actually is. And so I got what I wanted. I broke his heart but at least I'm alone and loved only from afar. I don't have to worry about him seeing me for who I am anymore, despite the fact that he did and loved me anyways. So now I'll bury myself in work, classes, the next guy, the next night out, the next drink, and I'll push the pain down until it comes back and hurts me and someone else, probably someone that loves me dearly, the next time. And I'll only have to deal with it in the quiet moments at night, when I'm alone and there's nothing to do but sit in my self doubt and loathing, when it all hurts so much.

And so in my hands, Celeste, I see the pieces of myself that I broke to love you, but there is nothing else there. In your hands though, are the pieces of all that I gave to you, and all the broken pieces of your own heart. You see, I couldn't have broken your heart. You never gave it to me. I can finally let go of all the guilt and all of that self loathing. I don't pity you and I certainly don't have any sympathy for you because this is what you chose. This, all of the pain that we both have, is what you wanted, because it's somehow easier for you this way. I've broken people's hearts and ruined good things because i was scared, too, so I can understand how much that hurts to the core and that that pain and guilt don't just go away. It's always there. Im sorry that you gave yourself that burdensome gift, especially when you already carry so much.

I said it earlier, and you'll never hear from anybody that cares deeply for you, because how could they possibly know, but you are broken and unhealthy. Deeply so. I wonder if you remember what it's like to be you anymore? Or has the mask you wear everyday to protect yourself finally taken control and become you?

The good news is, all of your broken pieces are there, in your hands. And the day you decide to choose strength over fear, the day you decide to risk the pain of losing love over the pain of hiding from it, the day you put two of the million pieces back together, is the day you start to heal. That's the day you unbreak yourself. Not a single person on this earth can do that but you. I believe in you and have seen your strength. You have it within you to be truly resilient. But pushing your problems away and not dealing with them until it doesn't hurt so much isn't resilience. It's facing the hard truths and overcoming them. I hope that one day you find your strength and become resilient and that you can face and overcome your pain and your fears. Maybe one day, you can wear that necklace and feel pride and self love, because it's true rather than being a lie that you tell yourself.

You should know that I chose you. I chose to love who you are because you are enough. I told you I wasn't scared of you and I meant that. I chose you knowing that you have suffered terrible sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. I chose you knowing of all the pain you have hidden inside from the abandonment and self loathing. I chose you for who you were, who you are, and who you'll become in the future. I never wanted you to change who you are because that wouldn't be the woman I fell in love with. Because you are enough. I wish we could have changed the way we communicated, but never you. I chose to love you through all of the loneliness I felt whenever you pulled away in a close moment, because you are good enough and worthy of being loved, despite the toll it took on my heart. And I choose even now, to love you. Because you are, deep down inside where it hurts and where you are afraid, worth it all.

You should know that all of the abuse you have suffered, all of the being used, all of the not being seen for who you are, and all of the abandonment you have been so lovingly gifted throughout your life, none of it is your fault. Never has been. But it is your responsibility to deal with it. When your pain from decades past starts to infect your life and relationships, and starts to hurt people like me, people who see and love you for who you are, that is your responsibility to deal with. And so is the pain that you've spread.

You should also know that I lied to you. The day I fell in love with you I told you I wasn't. I was scared that my feelings would chase you away and I lied. I regret that and it'll never happen again. I never wanted to be in a position where lying to you was an acceptable action, but I failed because I was weak and scared in that moment. Do you remember that night? At the lake, we had an amazing day. The drive, the brewery, sitting in warm comfortable silence with you. Just enjoying the moment. That evening, before dinner, you put your hands on my chest, kissed me and told me I looked handsome, for what was the first and last time. I floated through the sky when you told me that. Dinner was amazing. Not because of where we were or what we ate. It was because of you. After dinner we walked in the moonlight down to a small dock, and there, in silence and holding your hand as we gazed upon the universe, I fell in love with the girl from the stars. It was one of the best days of my life. Thank you for that. I should have told you then. But instead, because I was already feeling anxious and uncertain about your inability to meet me halfway emotionally, I asked why you never say anything to me like, "I like you," or "I miss you." I'll never forget what you said to me or how it felt to hear it. "Why would I say that if I don't miss you." Fuck that hurt. That's the night I lost the first piece of myself in trying to love you. I hope one day I can separate the memories and remember just how amazing it felt to exist alongside of you out on that dock. Today is not that day though.

Lastly, you should know that I heard exactly what you said to me that night when we were camping, in the tent having sex. It was as clear as it could be, as if I had said my own name. And then you took it back. One of the best days of my life, and we got too close, again. So you took it back to protect yourself. What a waste all of this pain and heartbreak is. That was the moment it all changed for me. I'll never remember all of the fun we had that day. It was too dark to see, we were so close, engulfed in one another, but I heard your voice, and that's what I'll remember. "What did you say," I asked because I was having an out of body experience in that moment. "Nothing." And so it was.

I say all of this because I care and I do so deeply. The truth is fucking hard sometimes. Of course I'm hurt and upset, and I have every right to be because of how you neglected me and us, but that doesn't change the fact that care about you and I want the best in life for you. I made a place for you in my heart and that can never be undone because love doesn't just snap out of existence. It's hard, it's scary, and it can feel dangerous, yet it is so delicate, so powerful, and it intrinsically makes this life, these precious few years that we have, worth living.

I hope that you find the honesty and strength within you to heal. You can do it. You need to do it. I hope that one day you can look yourself in the mirror at night when you wash your face and brush your teeth and say "I treated this person with the respect and love that they deserved, despite my fear." I wonder if you could now. Or would you see the same sad eyes that betray your feelings, like every time you pulled back emotionally when we got too close.

As the sun sets I'm alone on my porch and missing you. The real you. I hope you can talk to somebody truthfully. I hope you can heal yourself. I hope you never change who you are. And I hope you know that even the best loves are hard, and that no matter when or where, I'll be here for you. That for you, the answer is always yes.

Because I forgive you. And I always will.Thats what love does.

You are capable of great things. You can outshine the stars from which you come. You are loved deeply for who you are. You can choose to be you.

You can choose not to be a rose dying on the vine.

Choose life. Choose love. Go be the love of somebody's life. Choose you. I did, and despite it all, it was worth it and always will be.

Love,

J