Is there a burning man without [robot heart]?

Wow what a 2024 same-same-but-same burning man! Such a smooth weather year. No wind. No rain. No lightning. No touristic crowds. Okay art. Good drugs. So why does it feel like burning man has lost its jE Ne sAiS qUOi. I looked to the big eye every day and begged it… please Eye!! tell me!! What are you doing here?? What are WE doing here?? She did not answer.  So I looked within my… personal pouch and took some.. notes.  Maybe you won’t agree that burning man needs saving, maybe you're wrong. Here are some of my reflections:

Robot Heart Mafia 

Shocker-not-at-all. robot heart still thinks they are better than everyone else. Rumor has it they refused to wait in the DMV line, they fought with the placers because the playa was too bumpy in their parcel, they align with law enforcement to arrest ugly attendees, and don't want normies on their car. The good news is that they carefully curate the music every year to sound exactly the same, all night, every night, everywhere they go. you guys nearly saved burning man. TYSM. Also, if you want to take a year off everyone will understand, cause you guys work so hard. really.

The Eye  

Can you see all the way to Tomorrowland?

Maxa

Mayan Warrior Jr. Apparently the camp only allows you to join if you have 300k followers and have never been to burning man before, which explains why they are so confused when no one has any money to buy the coke  they sell on the car.  The way they face check when trying to board their giant tasty reindeer asshole is like trying to get into Berghein, probably cause they have an onboard champagne room reserved for diplo. Is it a coincidence they always end up a few feet behind RH to catch the spill overs?   

Wesley Carl Thomas Pence Cox

Thank you! for without you both there would be no music and without you both there would be no burning man. 

BMorg

No one loves watching burners suffer more than the BMorg, the hypocrisy is renewed each year with new low tactics “burning man is where you express your full creative freedom.. within these arbitrary policy confines that we set.” Nothing was more hilarious than the weak spin on the low ticket sales.  Bad news, everyone loved the lower population except for BM CEO of 26 years Marian and her exec team.  Wonder why the man shrank?? If the org aint fat the man ain’t tall. write that down.  you can expect the org will now take revenge against all the burners in the years to come through new fees.  I suppose they will add more law enforcement so they can take a cut of the fines, next up they will not allow us to piss freely on the playa, impose 5mph speed limits,  and establish citations for exceeding quiet laws in the city. Pity if you need to cut staff due to the slack in ticket sales…  wait. maybe higher fees will save burning man? only the eye knows. 

Mayan Warrior

Although everyone was excited to hear mayan burned down last year no one was surprised. insurance fraud is the true currency of the masses and even pedro and the cartel’s are not immune. rumors are the peruvian financiers wanted a new look but limited the budget once they learned burners don’t use currency to buy drugs on playa (shout out maxa). When MW didn’t show up last year, people sort of learned The Titanic End exists.  This year, Mayan not to be outdone by incumbent Long Feng, tripled down into their aztec roots and built a satanic church on wheels with a laser demon cock so fat it almost saved burning man. 

Distrikt vs Opulent Temple vs Playa Alchemist vs Fluffy Cloud vs Playground

carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox. carl cox.

Long Feng the Boof Dragon

Hell yeah baby!!!!  The mardi gras float from shenzhen, that became an art car, that became a gay orgy during a fancy wedding. To make a grand entry to kick off the ceremony the bride tried to zipline down from the flower egg at the top center but on her descent lost control and nearly plummeted to her death but was saved at the last second. (Shoutout for truly embodying safety third.) Then moments later during the vow reading a couple gays ambushed the ceremony to eat each others assholes out in front of 300 spectators. (Perhaps we all have something to learn from embracing radical self eXXXpression). The Bride cried, he got jealous, we have no idea whats causation or correlation here.  Moral of this story: we need more extravagant art car weddings. you might just save burning man. 

Thunderdome

Pretty cool mad max larpers, i would go back again and again if more of you had face tattoos and actually were a violent biker gang instead of disgruntled baristas. Pretty close, you guys almost actually saved burning man.

Food (not at night)

Lines. Short hours. Lack of creativity. Low effort. Lazy.  No im not talking the BMorg we already covered them, we are talking about nutrition. We dont need more music, we need more food all night in random places. I get it, you wanna party after sunset and not make sandwiches for a wook on 12 tabs of lsd talking about wind chakras, but guess what— lsd has no calories! So reminder to all food camps, people are hungry at night also, and if you dont help those people, you are not definitely not going to save burning man. Kudos to Moon Cheese for fundraising on indiegogo but only having hours from 9-9:15 on Wednesday mornings.

Coofandy

The hero we didn’t know we needed. Coofandy you are the real Diplo. Thank you for supplying every single person at Burning Man with such a unique look that can be returned on amazon right away. 

Annual Theme

This may be a curiouser idea but shouldn’t the bm org crowdsource the annual themes? The BMorg seems so exhausted from horrible decision making, maybe let the people help with the bad decisions. It’s not like burners have opinions…

Burning Man Almanac Guy – 

Despite 26 years of your best efforts, you did not save burning man.(Ok…………….. It's time for my Annual Pre-Burning Man Rant and Predictions. 26 Years of attending the Burning Man Festival. : )

Burning Man was almost saved! Hopefully these heavy hitters return next year so we can continue the trend of having fewer people…