i want to be a better version of myself, not to self petty but i’ve had it quite tough. my mother is a junkie and i had an awful upbringing of abuse, neglect and i could go on. ever since i was young i’ve always wanted a women to fill the role my mother couldn’t but love wasn’t something i wanted to rush into because i’ve wanted to grow up with the same person and live our lives together and not meet someone who’s already had a life. i finally found that girl nearly 2 years ago now, i felt attached just by looking at her and something just pulled me towards her, she made me feel so nervous i’ve never experienced something like it and the first time we met up i didn’t even say anything to her. this girl really is my soulmate but throughout this time we’ve had quite a few bad arguments, breakups and bad situations. most commonly being our toxic cycle of being the most perfect couple on earth for weeks but then when we’d argue it would get really bad. and she’s been sick of that cycle for months and months and it’s been hard to say the least. i just hate my my past trauma has affected my relationship with her, so many things trigger me because of my mum, like being ignored for example. i really messed up this time as we’d had a bit of an argument for about 3 days and on the 4th i was sick of being ignored and stuff. so i just turned up to where she was with her friends and a couple people i know but she really wasn’t happy to see me but i tried getting her to talk to me and her friends got involved and they were all pissed at me so i ended up leaving. a few hours past and i was still being ignored and i saw her location was at the local train station, so i asked what she was doing and she turned off her location for me. her friends arent nice girls and have got around and all i could think was that she was gonna go and cheat. this drove me crazy so i turned up again, this time to the station. she didn’t expect to see me there and was mad that i’d turned up again, we slightly spoke but it just turned into a confrontation between everyone and then mainly me and her friends, and i exposed my girlfriend for some stuff she said about them ofc it being denied and i said some really rude stuff to her friends. i left and i didn’t hear anything else from her for hours. later on i get a call from my aunt saying that she might not have many years left and we’re really close she took care of me as a kid when my mum wasn’t capable of. i told my girlfriend about the news and told her i needed to see her tomorrow and told her how sorry i was. all she said was “f off you lying c word never text me again” and blocked me. i’m still in contact with her mum and she’s been really helpful suggesting therapy etc. anyway i didn’t even go there to talk i just wrote her a letter, brought her some flowers and chocolates and left them at the door step but her mum noticed me outside. she took the gifts inside and said she won’t come outside which i understood. my gf, her mum and her mums bf were all about to go out but my gf didn’t want to get on the same car as me so she went with the mums bc while her mum dropped me home and we had a talk on the way. i found out later that the same night she went to london with the same girls and i’m scared that she’s going do something stupid like get with another man and i don’t think i could look at her the same ever again if another man touched her. i find people who sleep around disgusting, that’s why i saved myself for the person i knew i wanted to spend my life with, her, and that’s why i can’t lose her. after this my aunt sends her a message since i have no way of contacting her and she replied to my aunt saying i really loved him and we were so close which is what makes it hard, but i found out he lied to me since the start of the relationship and it’s devastated. i can’t go back to him. so obviously because i was rude to her friends and called them sl**s and stuff they’ve told got into her head and i’m going to lose her. it makes it so much harder because i haven’t been lying, i’ve stayed loyal and i don’t know what these girls could’ve told her. i need this girl in my life she’s the only person that’s ever truly been there for me. she’s my soulmate and i can’t ever stop loving her. i’m a better man with her and i don’t want to pursue a future with another woman, i don’t want to waste my life trying to find her in somebody else.