I’m so excited but scared and terrified

I think I have some good news? There's a lot of thoughts running through my head. I've previously talked about coming out and starting testosterone and I've been getting more and more impatient. I've grown more irritated by the people around me (family) and I think it may be due to the fact that I'm not out yet!

I previously mentioned in one of my posts that I had an upcoming appointment with my therapist. I think it went well? I scheduled another 2 appointments. For the first one I'm going to plan how I want to come out with my therapist. The next session will be in November. My mum and I will meet with my therapist in person, where we'll have to drop the big news.

My therapist is helping me because I'm so scared of having it backfire. My mother and I speak Spanish, but I don't know how to clearly explain all this gender stuff to her. I think she'd handle it well if she heard it from a licensed gender therapist.

I think the most difficult part of this is playing the waiting game. But I've waited for 4 years, I can hold out for a little longer, right? Like I said previously, I'm growing more irritated by my family. Everytime I'm alone with my mum, I have the urge to tell her, "Hey I'm not a girl." But I ultimately chicken out. I think I would just break down in tears and not make any sense to her. I once cried and told her "I'm bisexual," and she thought I was "confused" but to be fair I was having a really hard day when I told her. I kind of blurted it out that I was bi. I vaguely remember her saying, "I will still love you regardless."

A few months ago, out of the blue, I asked my mum what she had thought about trans people. "I don't have a problem with them, whatever makes them comfortable." Was what she told me. Coming out will either backfire horribly or be the best decision of my life. I can't help but admit that the idea of my mum calling me by my preferred name is odd. It's something I find hard to imagine. I also don't know how she'd react to me taking T since theres changes like bottom growth and libido. I'd say she knows little to nothing about this kind of stuff. I'd like to get top surgery and phalloplasty in the future. Those are big steps, but I'll be an adult capable of making my own decisions when I get these surgeries.

This is a lot of rambling, I'm sorry. There's a lot of my mind and I need to get this off my chest.