Breaking News: AITAH For Telling My Mom That My Brother Who Took His Own Life Wasn’t "Happy"?
Date: March 10, 2023
Category: Mental Health, Family, Grief
Tags: AITAH, Mental Health Awareness, Suicide Prevention, Grief Support, Family Conflicts, Sibling Loss, Mental Health Stigma
In a shocking turn of events, a young woman has sparked a heated debate on social media after revealing that she told her mother that her brother, who took his own life, wasn’t "happy" in the months leading up to his tragic death.
The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, shared her story on a popular online forum, sparking a fierce discussion about the appropriateness of her actions. According to the woman, she had been struggling to come to terms with her brother’s death and felt that her mother was in denial about the state of his mental health.
"I knew my brother was struggling, but my mom refused to acknowledge it," the woman wrote. "She kept saying he was ‘happy’ and that I was just being dramatic. But I knew the truth. He was suffering, and I felt like I had to tell her the truth, even if it was hard to hear."
The woman’s decision to tell her mother the truth has sparked a heated debate on social media, with many people weighing in on whether she was right or wrong to do so.
Some people are defending the woman’s decision, saying that it’s important to be honest about mental health struggles, even if it’s difficult to hear.
"I think it’s important to be honest about mental health, even if it’s hard to hear," wrote one commenter. "If the woman’s mom was in denial, it’s possible that she needed to be told the truth, even if it was painful."
Others are criticizing the woman’s decision, saying that it was insensitive and hurtful to her mother.
"I think it was really insensitive of the woman to tell her mom that her brother wasn’t ‘happy’," wrote another commenter. "It’s understandable that she was struggling to come to terms with her brother’s death, but telling her mom that he wasn’t happy is just going to cause more pain and suffering."
The debate has also sparked a wider conversation about mental health stigma and the importance of supporting loved ones who are struggling.
"Mental health stigma is a real issue, and it’s important that we work to break down the barriers that prevent people from seeking help," wrote a mental health advocate. "By sharing our stories and being open about our struggles, we can help to create a more supportive and understanding community."
As the debate continues to rage on, one thing is clear: the loss of a loved one is never easy, and it’s important that we approach these situations with compassion and understanding.
Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story.
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32F. I've hurt my mother, but I also can't stand when she refers to my deceased brother as "happy" when he clearly wasn't.
I was the middle child in a loving, yet intense and competitive family. My parents were wonderful and wanted the best for us, but they also placed high expectations on us. We were pretty much expected to excel at our sports and go to Ivy League colleges, and I knew these were the expectations for as long as I could remember. I know my parents just wanted us to have great lives and provide us with every opportunity, but it was a lot sometimes. It worked out for me and my brother Eric (34M) because we're both doctors now and happily married. I do think the pressure was a lot on my younger brother Grant, who was actually the "golden child" and the smartest of us naturally. For example, when we was in third grade, he was reading at a tenth grade reading level and the teacher told my mom they'd never seen a kid test so high at his age.
Grant was also the class clown type and was honestly hilarious. He always had a ton of friends, and presented himself as carefree and happy when we were out in public. But I noticed from a young age he was profoundly sad in a way I'll never understand. He cried a lot in his room and small things, like deaths he saw on television or someone's feelings getting hurt at school, took a huge toll on him. I have no idea if it was genetics, the intense atmosphere we grew up in, the fact that he was so sensitive, or something else entirely, but we clearly was a deeply sad person at his core. When Grant was sixteen and I was eighteen and a freshman in college, he took his own life. I was honestly shocked when I first heard the news, but in retrospect, there were so many signs.
As you can probably imagine, this loss changed me forever. I still live with immense guilt over what happened and feel like I should have been able to stop it because we were so close. Sometimes memories of my baby brother, whether it's us fighting or him being distressed about something, pop into my head randomly and make me tear up on the spot. I've been in therapy for years and it's helped, but I still struggle with missing my brother, sadness that he was in so much pain, and guilt.
My parents, especially my mom, are even worse off than I am. My parents were social people, and there always seemed to be a party at our house or a vacation to go on when we were kids. Now, my mom keeps to herself and struggles to get out of bed most days. Grant also loved baseball, and pretty much her only hobby is watching baseball games and traveling to different stadiums to see Grant's favorite team play with my dad. When we're all together, she loves to tell stories about Grant, and it's pretty much the only thing she wants to talk about. She always says "it was just his time" as though this was inevitable. She also loves to talk about how "happy" he was. Grant was certainly charismatic, funny, and the life of the party, but I think it's clear he wasn't happy given how his life ended.
I met my husband Joe (33M) my final year of college and we've been married for three years now. He actually lost his sister to cancer when he was a kid, and so he understands some of what I've gone through. I had our first child about two months ago, and last weekend, we had her baptized. We had a celebration with family and close friends at my house after, and my in-laws even made an eight hour drive for the event. It should have been a happy day, but I completely lost my cool with my mother.
I was sitting with my mom, mother-in-law, and Joe's sister Naomi when my mom suddenly got teary. I asked if everything was okay, and she said she was thinking about Grant's baptism. She told us that my brother Eric was crying all morning because they told him Grant might cry when they poured the water over his head and Eric didn't like seeing his brother upset. My mom then proceeded to tell us that Grant didn't cry, and he was the only one of her three kids who didn't. She then started talking about how he was the happiest kid and the most cheerful person you'd ever met. She even said that Grant "never had a bad day in his life."
Normally I let the comments go, but for some reason, it was too much for me in that moment. I told my mom that Grant wasn't "happy" and he clearly had some bad days. My mom said he was just impulsive and didn't think about what he was doing, and I said he did it because he was depressed. My mom started crying, and said I wasn't remembering my brother for who he really was.
I excused myself because I knew I was about to make things worse, and my MIL followed me into the kitchen. She asked if I was okay, and I started crying and said my mom is delusional. My MIL then told me my mother lost her baby in the worst way imaginable and that if she needs to remember him as a happy kid to get through the day, I should let her. She basically said my mom clearly isn't ever going to recover from this, and I should just be gentle with her and accepting of the fact that she's a different person now.
I told Joe about all of this, and he was furious. He said he knows my mom is in pain, but it was our daughter's day, and she could have tried focusing on me for once. I do wish my mom was more present for me, but also, I've accepted that she's not capable of it. I can't even say I blame her, because I don't know how I'd survive if something happened to my daughter.
I haven't spoken to my mom since the baptism. My MIL and I spoke on the phone, and while she understands my feelings, she thinks I'll feel better if I "be the bigger person" and apologize. AITAH for snapping at my mother and telling her my brother wasn't a happy person?
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You and your mom are both thinking of Grant in very black/white ways.
He had bad days, he also had good days. He wasn’t a constant black hole of depression and he wasn’t some perfect happy kid.
I think I’d get really mad at my mom talking that way too if I were you, but it probably should have been a conversation for another time and place.
I think your husband is wrong for being upset your mom talked about your dead brother at your daughter’s event. It doesn’t sound like she was taking things over with dramatics, just sharing a story.
NAH
NTA your feelings are valid and the “snap” was an indication that you simply had enough. Your MIL was spot on though, it’s a matter of acceptance that your mom will never be able to move on and that this is her way to cope. Have a conversation with her, and then you can find your way to how to best support each other moving forward knowing this is the reality. No need to add more pain and loss.
Definitely not the asshole. Mental health is no joke and unfortunately, happiness doesn’t always come easy to everyone. Your brother’s struggle was valid and your mom needs to understand that. Keep speaking up and breaking the stigma around mental health. You’re doing the right thing.
NAH. Your mom’s behavior isn’t atypical. Sadly, lot’s of parent have a hard time moving on from the loss
of a child and usually alienate their surviving children. Not sure if she has gone to therapy, but she should. When things simmer down, have a serious talk with her and let her know that even though he passed away she still has two other kids with families that need her.
I would not discuss this further with your MIL or anyone else. A child’s and brother’s suicide can bring up grief in different ways and pops up at random times. This what happened with your mother then. There is high emotion that can be triggered. It is what it is.
Neither of you were wrong. Give each other grace on how each of you grieve.
NTA. Your parents are abusive, not in a physical way, but emotional. Always driving you to compete under the guise of “helping you.” There is a line between supporting children and driving them to meet the parents definition of success. If you think and go over life experiences you can probably begin to piece together motive. This may be cultural.
Your brother was the Golden Child or mom’s favorite. The GC gets a different kind of abuse. They can get all the high expectations plus a very unhealthy enmeshment with their mothers. This leads to a different set of emotional problems.
Time for my disclaimer, not a mental health professional, just saw some of this play out in my life. My brother didn’t commit suicide, he died in an accident. Mom’s response was similar.
Now we can start to go to motive. You mom reads like the type who needs to be the center of attention. (My mom used my brother to fill this need.) Now that brother is dead, mom is cloaking herself in never ending grief and sadness to keep getting exactly what she wants – sympathy and attention. Baptism? She pulls out a story to refocus the attention from you back to herself. She refuses to share the attention she craves.
You got angry because, at some level, you knew what she was doing and most likely have seen this pattern your entire life. She didn’t change her needs when your Bro died, she changed the tactics she used to satisfy those needs. This in no means disparages her loss and her real grief. I am discussing this constant need to bring up his ghost.
You’ve normalized the abuse. You no longer see what was done to you and your brothers by your parents.
My opinion from my life experience. Take what resonates with you.
NAH
Losing a person to suicide unexpectedly is very difficult. We lost a good friend and it damaged my MH to this day. He, like your brother, hid the suicidal ideation from those around him.
It changes everyone who was close to the deceased. We all cope in different ways. And some people are permanently damaged by it and never recover.
Sounds like your mom’s coping strategies are never letting herself forget it happened and refusing to allow anything else to bring her joy. It’s a guess but likely she feels enormous guilt for not realising your brother was so depressed and tortures herself with ‘if i had ___’ stuff. This requires professional level grief counselling to move on from. Until she does she will be stuck.
You have tried to move on, difficult as that has been for you. To have your mom constantly rake it up at every opportunity for a happier event, it’s amazing you took as long as you did to get fed up.
Unless she can deal with her grief, she will remain fixated on her loss and repeat this behaviour. She is broken and stuck but to get better she has to want to.
I have found attending a bereavement by suicide support group really helpful and have been able to get past the loss withvtheir help. Along with specialist grief counselling.
So sorry for your loss OP
NAH
Your MIL has a good point, and not just about your mother. Grant’s decision has irreversibly changed all of you in ways that no amount of logic or reason or discussion can fix. You aren’t going to be able to talk her around to your side on this any more than she could to you. It will always be an exposed nerve for both of you, and you will never have control over when it is touched.
I think you handled it well by leaving the area to avoid escalation. And I think your MIL is right about showing your mother some grace. I don’t see it as “being the bigger person” though, but accepting that you are each going to mourn in your own ways. Condolences for your brother, and congratulations on your daughter.
NTA
I get that your mother is grieving, but reframing her late son as a distinctly happy individual with no issues is pure delusion. Never mind that, at the risk of being harsh, it’s possible your brothers suicide is the result of feeling both the pressure to succeed, and the isolation it brings.
Dark as it is to say, the mindset of men who seek suicide is generally something to the effect of, “I know no one will help me, this pain is one I have to suffer alone, so I may as well end it.” No hesitation, not contemplation of other avenues, because in their mind they know help isn’t coming even if they call for it.
When you mentioned he was basically a brilliant child from a young age I got a massive feeling he may have struggled with Gifted Child Burnout, which occurs when an otherwise exemplar kid easily coasts through the early foundational learning before hitting a wall in highschool or college. So many genuinely intelligent children burn out because they never learned the necessary techniques for studying due to no need, because everyone told them they were “so smart”, and because they felt the pressure of their title as a gifted kid. Also, a lot of them end up having obviously undiagnosed disabilities which only became a problem when the structured environment they were used to was shaken up, say by going to college or what have you.
While it’s perhaps too painful for your mother to process, the fact remains that your brother more than likely took his life due to the riggers of family life, because he didn’t feel he could speak up about a need for help.