I’m sad and angry about the possibility I soon won’t have a dad… Even though I never really had one. How do you deal with the grief of someone who never really existed?

Hi everyone,

I just learned of some very heavy news today that’s been weighing on my heart—my paternal grandmother is nearing death, and will likely die today, and my dad is also gravely ill. My relationship with him has always been incredibly complicated, mainly because of his long-standing struggle with AUD. This has shaped so much of my life; I can’t remember a time when his addiction didn’t loom over us. After my parents divorced when I was eight , I felt this weird pull to step up and take care of him emotionally, which is a heavy burden for a kid to carry.

There were countless nights when I was the one comforting him, particularly when he’d go on long angry, sad and paranoid rants about my mom ruining his life. He often cried to me and shared how he loves me so much, but ___ is ruining the family and his life. Even though he had money, he lived like he was poor, and as a kid, I genuinely thought my dad was the victim. I always protected him though, afraid if I told someone that he was drinking that he would get in trouble.

I’ll never forget the time I asked him not to drive me while he was drunk. Instead of understanding where I was coming from, he exploded in front of people we know, calling me ungrateful, brainwashed, etc. It was gut-wrenching, and moments like that distorted my understanding of love—love that came with strings attached, anger, and guilt. As I transitioned into my teenage years, I started to realize that I needed some boundaries, but standing up for myself felt impossible… While drinking, I was subjected to so much emotional and verbal abuse, but sober- he was himself. The backlash was always fierce, and it only left me feeling ashamed and confused. He called me some really awful things even though I had never done anything to hurt him. He said I ruined his life, I was a joke, he is ashamed of me, he never wants to see me, I'm no better than the ____ (group from WW2 known for genocide and hate), etc.

During the pandemic, I made the tough choice to step back significantly, and while it hurt, it was also a relief. I thought distancing myself would help clear my head, but now, with my grandma’s situation and my dad's health declining, I’m left wrestling with the pain of potentially losing someone I never truly had a real bond with. I didn't even know my grandma was this severely ill, as they are all in a different country and my dad's communication is unreliable. Besides drunken rants, he doesn't seem to communicate anything to me.

I find myself reflecting on all the emotional scars from his behaviour and how they’ve influenced my friendships, relationships, and self-esteem as an adult. In my mid-20s, I've never had a single healthy romantic relationship- I seem to have continued a sort of cycle unknowingly by dating toxic/abusive partners. I’ve started therapy this year, and even though it’s an uphill battle, it’s been a game-changer for me. It’s helping me unpack the trauma and recognize the patterns I want to break, especially the belief that love equates to struggle. I have a lot of hope and know life will get better, I'm just sad and angry I've let him have an effect on me for so long. I wish I distanced myself sooner. I let him ruin so much.

If anyone can relate or has thoughts on dealing with grief surrounding a complicated family dynamic, I’d really appreciate your insights. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you all find some peace in your own journeys.