I feel like I did everything I could

Closeted MTF 22 not transitioned

I'm writing this so that there's a record of what happened to me and also as a little diary.

Also, I'm not going to be rude but I know theres a lot of horny people on this website who want/have to sexualized me so I'm not going to respond to anyone.

I had a rough time growing up. I was emotionally abused by my parents for being trans which led me to being sexually abused when I was 15. I've had a mentor who recently left me who helped me explain what exactly happened to me and how to think about things. Before I met her I was getting to the point of becoming insane. I was getting into a lot of relationships with men just trying to find someone who would listen/care. I was always abandoned by them though. I've heard voices of my parents screaming at me when I had my makeup on. I see myself in the same position I was abused in every day. I had a constant paranoia that I might somehow be like my sexual abuser because I was abused (I read that on a stupid news artice that sexual abusers are usually abused themselves). It got so bad that I went through all of the partners and porn I ever looked at in my life to verify again they were at least 18 (I knew they all were before but I did it again to make the voices shut up). If you were a kid talking to me I wouldn't even look in your general direction. But she helped me get through every one of my problems. She was such a nice person I honestly consider her my mom at times. She has a nice demeanor but can really be a hard ass when I need to get something. But now she is gone. I have no one else in my life who even understands what I am. These days I've been just trying to live as happy as a life as I can closeted but my physical appearance and the voices from my trauma just make every day a chore to get through. But now adays I really don't have anything to live for though, no social life, no higher purpose. It's just work and sleep every day. Don't worry, I'm not going to check out. I'm not allowed to due to my religion. But I wouldn't lie that I wished I could check out some days. I don't know what to do right now though. I'm getting diagnosed for PTSD but what do I do after that. Theres been soo much shit thats happend that I cant fix it at this point. My body has already matured into a male figure so I can't even look at mirrors anymore so my hygiene is terrible. There's just no point anymore. Did I do something wrong? I dont think I did, but I still dont know why she left me? I've been through every possibility and I didnt do anything wrong but I feel that paranoia that I did though. I just wished she was here I miss her.