She hurt me and doesn’t understand

Where do i start.

I had a wonderful friendship of 6 years with a woman who later turned in to my partner. We were both hoping for it to be long term but unfortunately it turned out to be short term, lasted only 5 months. Why it ended? Neither people who i'm talking about knew about my existence in her life as her new partner. She NEVER validated me as her partner towards others. Her parents knew, her family knew, my family knew, my friends knew. Her friends? Nope. Her colleagues? She told them "I'm seeing someone" after 4 months. Anyway:

She was in contact with an ex, fine with that. Honestly there was nothing wrong with their contact at first. She had some stuff at his place (in a different country) which had to be transported and that took a while.

Their contact was't just "Hey, is there any news about the stuff? No? Okay as soon as you know more, let me know"

But every few days they talked it turned in to long conversation about how life was going, how HE was feeling, how HE was doing, what HE was up to. She was very curious to know what went on in his life and one time went as far as calling him when she was at my place, not just for a normal chat, but also for talking things through. We were a couple for roughly a month by that time. I wasn't allowed to come in to the living room, they spoke for almost two hours.

I spoke about it that i didn't mind them chatting, but that i was hoping that she would at least not talk to him as much as when i'm with her because it just didn't sit right with me. She then told me how it would probably fade naturally. Well, it didn't.

He was going to move to a different country, she was very interested in the hows and why's and what's and it never watered down, they even spoke about watching an old show again via streaming and doing some gaming and when he told her "i have a layover in your country the day i'm moving" she said "well, if you like you can see my apartment?" now bear in mind, this was all while she was in a relationship with me. At that time, 4 months going strong.

I told her that i was fine with them playing games and doing streaming stuff, but it felt not right to have him come over as he didn't know about her being in a new relationship. She then asked "what are you afraid of?" and i wasn't afraid of anything, i just didn't understand why she would invite him over, but not tell him about her new partner, if she wanted to keep him in her life so bad. Of course i got called controlling.

Now in the mean time another guy came in to the picture, an old online friend. Was someone who was already causing issues in the relationship with her ex, but who was also causing trouble in our relationship. Why? During the relationship with her ex she liked him, he liked her, she had to block him, he started harrassing her. Doing things to be in her presence, basically cyberstalking.

Now, this guy was back in the picture during our relationship. And he wasn't a bad guy at all. Very friendly, but he. Also, didn't know about her relationship with me. They kept texting and texting and got closer and closer, and he turned in to an orbiter, and i could kinda see that she would start to emotionally attach to him.

Oh you need more storage for you PC? Take my old SSD. You need something to take with you and watch stuff on? Here, take my old laptop. Oh, your old graphics card is dying? You can have mind. And she accepted it like it was the most normal thing in the world.

Now, the texting situation was where i got kinda insecure and aggitated because i totally get male/female friendships, and i also get texting friends. Of course. But, where i'm the type of person who doesn't really text people casually when i'm with my partner, she did. They were texting upwards of 200 messages a day, she let me read everything to reassure me nothing was going on.

When i spoke my concerns and asked her if she wanted to text him less because it made me uneasy she told me that she was allowed to talk to him like that because he was a friend, that's what you do with friends. What i did (not texting 200 times a day when i was with my partner) was unhealthy. Prioritizing my partner over my friends? That was unhealthy.

I remember one time, we were playing a videogame and were calling, the three of us. I called her "honey" and "Cutie" because that's what i liked to call her. After the call she started scolding me that it wasn't apropriate when we were in a chat with him.

A few days later all of a sudden her gaming status on Discord disappeared. But she forgot that i also had him on here, so i could see what he was playing. And via Steam i could see what SHE was playing. I don't like being like this, but my gut feeling told me there was something going on, and i was right.

She spoke to her parents about the situation but didn't involve me. I couldn't let go of the situation and wanted to talk about it for a couple of days.

Now, fast forward to roughly a week later and we have a call, just us. She told me that she told him about us being a couple. My response? "Oh what a relieve" because it was just that, a relieve. Because why wouldn't he just have known from the start that you were taken? Why did it have to take so long? She told me that she didn't like my response because i came across as jealous/insecure/controlling. She thought i wanted him to know because i wanted to flaunt her. While in reality, i wanted him to know because A, that's a normal healthy thing to do in a healthy relationship and B, because that way he knew that she was taken and that he couldn't expect more from her than just a great friendship.

She would also make plans with other people to hang out and do stuff, but with me? Nope. Why not? I'll come to that in a bit. But when i spoke about how it made me feel she told me that i was jealous and that she thought it was weird that i got jealous when she wanted to do things with her friends but not with me.

Anyway. After calling me jealous/controlling/insecure, gaslighting me in to being wrong and telling me that i reminded her of her ex, she broke up with me.

Guess what she did 2 days later? She went to him.

Now if she sees this she will quite surely say how i was wrong for posting this, that i'm culprit and she's the victim. That i shouldn't write this on Reddit. And that she never expected me to be like this.

But guess what.. In the 6 Years that we were friends i never expected her to be like this in a relationship. Everything she told me her ex did to her, she did to me. The invalidating, the gaslighting, making me feel worthless, making me feel insecure, keeping me a secret for friends, stepping over boundaries.

You know why she never told them about us? Because people sometimes come up to me and ask for a photo or a quick chat because i used to be on the news and stuff. I'm not famous by any means, but people recognize me from time to time in my state, and she was afraid that people would associate her with me, that they would recognize her too, and the best part? She said that if i got recognized by someone that we lost our "anonimity"

So, if you ever read this. Which you probably will since you're on Reddit too. You've given me insane anxiety when it comes to dating. I have massive commitment issues because of how you mentally abused me by never wanting to go out with me because you were afraid that people would come up to me.

Yes, you made me take better care of myself phyisically and learned me to not put low effort into myself, and you gave me a big confidence boost after the break-up because i know my self worth a lot better AND i know that i'm not as stupid as you made me be. But i am also a wreck who can't commit to someone, who is afraid to go outside with friends / dates because of how YOU reacted to people recognizing me and just asking for a quick selfie. The fact that you thought that your life would be ruined when you were at my side while nobody even GLANCED AT YOU because nobody knew who you were, was bizarre to say the least

I sincerely hope that your current boyfriend treats you well, and that he isn't going to surprise you with what your ex before me, and me, were cautious about, if you ever break-up. I hope life treats you well again from what i've heard last time about you. But i cannot for the life of me understand how you can go from me to someone else, knowing how you treated me, and not feel ONE, PERCENT, GUILTY, and kept blaming ME for my questions and how i reacted to how YOU handled the situation. Because NO it ISN'T healthy in a relationship to casually talk to your ex while he DOESN'T KNOW about your new relationship. and it ISN'T HEALTHY to text an online friend 200 times a day and making plans to meet up while he DOESN'T KNOW about you being taken, WHILE YOUR PARTNER SITS NEXT TO YOU..

On and also as a side note. I posted something about our break-up on Reddit too about 4 months ago because i wanted an honest outsiders opinion from people who didn't knew me, or her.. You know how she responded? She screenshotted everything, told me how i was the bad guy and how she thought that all people saw her as a bad person and that they were wrong. I mean, OF COURSE THEY DO, seeing what you did. And yes, it's my side of the story, true that. But i'm not making stuff up, i'm not exaggerating. What would i get out of that?

Anyway:

I seriously hope you ever understand why your ex before me, and me, were cautious. And i also hope that you ever acknowledge your mistakes, and take blame for your actions instead of blaming others for their reactions.

You made me a mental mess.

Bye.