HELP !! I think I’m slowly dying & on the verge of ending it all

Hello, I’m 19 and live in VA. The reason I’m writing this is because I’m at my breaking point, and this is my last cry for help. I don’t even know where to start. I started smoking weed when I was 14, and since then, I’ve had periods where I’d stop and start again. When I first started, I didn’t take my first real “T-break” (a break from THC) until I was 16. I went to my home country for a few weeks, and that trip helped me detox and ground myself. It felt like a step towards getting back on my journey of bettering myself. This was after COVID and quarantine, in 2021.

When I came back, I felt better than I ever had. I was confident, grounded, and spiritually in tune. I got back to involving God in my everyday life. My family is somewhat religious, but we never really went to mass or events, except when I was younger. That changed when I was around 17.

I had a big "glow-up" and became the best version of myself. I wasn’t doing drugs, I was sleeping 6-8 hours a night, eating well, staying hydrated, and taking supplements. I felt like I was on top of the world. Right before I turned 18, I was at my peak, just as we were getting back to in-person school. I made a promise to myself not to get caught up with the wrong crowd or fall into the same temptations—especially not drugs like weed or alcohol.

For a while, things went great. I was making serious progress at the gym and had my life dialed in. I felt unstoppable. But slowly, things started to fall apart. I started hanging out with old friends again and smoking weed. My routine unraveled—less sleep, worse food, fewer supplements, and more energy drinks. By my senior year, I was physically at my peak but mentally and emotionally lost. I felt dissociated, like I was watching my life from outside my body.

Despite knowing how far I’d fallen, I couldn’t stop smoking. I was smoking before meals, workouts, sleep—everything. I’ve always had strong intuition and been spiritual, so I knew where I was going wrong and how to fix it, but I couldn’t follow through. I was careful about who I let into my circle, but it didn’t seem to help.

Graduation came after a breakup, losing friends and family members, and being at a spiritual high point, but I was lost. My plan to join the Marines fell apart due to my own choices and mindset. I kept telling myself and my family I wasn’t ready. They understood, but I started to feel stuck, spending my days in my room getting high, eating, and going out drinking with friends. I stopped helping my dad at work, and I lost all my physical, spiritual, and mental progress.

Eventually, my mom snapped. She noticed how far I’d fallen and told me I needed therapy because I was clearly depressed. I denied it, saying I just needed more time. A year passed, and I found myself in a worse spot than ever. I stopped paying bills, I was living off my parents, and I was hanging out with a friend who noticed my decline but was on a similar path.

For three months, we had the same routine: weed, alcohol, and aimlessness. He eventually suggested we take mushrooms or acid to cope. I’d taken LSD when I was 13, so shrooms didn’t sound bad. We bought mushroom gummies from a vape shop and ate them while watching Netflix.

Two months after that trip, I found myself more lost than ever, rotting in bed with no purpose. My friend invited me to hang out again with his girlfriend and some others. We picked up alcohol, visited an abandoned prison, and then he suggested we take shroom gummies and Four Loko. I agreed, thinking it would be fun.

But as the trip kicked in, I started feeling unwell. My friend and the girl began laughing behind my back, making fun of me, calling me a “bum with nothing going for me.” Their laughter became maniacal, and I was filled with rage and confusion. I left, but I was so high I could barely drive. I pulled over, and it felt like something was chasing me, something evil. I tried to ground myself, but nothing worked. I was stuck in my car for hours, praying for it to end.

Since that day, I’ve felt like something has taken over my body. I started developing mental and psychological issues. I stopped going out with my family, stopped taking care of myself, and isolated completely. I felt like I was being possessed by something evil. I blamed myself for hanging out with the wrong people and not listening to my intuition.

It got worse. I started hearing voices, experiencing hallucinations, and sinking deeper into depression. I became obsessed with watching disturbing videos on Reddit. I lost more friends and family members, and my appearance and hygiene deteriorated. I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

One day, my mom came into my room, horrified by how far I’d fallen. She begged me to get help, but when she hugged me, I started laughing uncontrollably, as if someone had told a joke—except no one had. In that moment, I realized something had taken over me. I wasn’t in control anymore.

I tried to get back into a routine, going to the gym and doing everyday things, but nothing worked. People looked at me with horror and disgust. I thought about ending it all but decided not to. I started working with my dad again, but I felt like an embarrassment.

Eventually, I got a haircut, trying to feel like myself again, but it didn’t help. I felt worse, like something was missing. People’s stares made me feel even more disconnected from myself.

A month ago, I saw my old friend on the news. He’d been arrested for showing child pornography to minors. Seeing that made me realize why he was removed from my life. It was karma, but I felt dumb for not listening to my mom. I’ve since tried to turn my life around, working on myself, but it’s hard. I feel like I’m only 20% healed.

Physically, I’m improving, but mentally, I feel like I’m not in my body. I feel like my soul is watching from the inside, but I’m not the one in control. My family thinks I’m weird, and even when I have good days, I wake up the next day with no motivation. It’s like I’m losing my mind.has someone done something against me apart from all this ? Is something beyond me causing me to fall on a daily basis? Is someone doing brujería ?

I’ve tried therapy, but it hasn’t helped. I don’t know who to turn to. I’m at the breaking point and considering ending it all when we return from this trip in three weeks. I just can’t take it anymore. Please, help me. I’m done.