How I came to IFS

I thought it might be interesting and instructive to share how I discovered IFS, and came to the therapeutic model. I was working in the Monroe Institute Gateway Series of recordings and one day while working through a "Focus 12" session I found myself "clicked out" which is Monroe speak for becoming unaware of your physical reality and fully within the mind.

While in this state I arrived in a place that was very dark, and there was a little boy running around, hiding behind a variety of objects, hiding from me. He was very dirty and afraid, and wouldn't speak. If I tried to approach him this massive warrior like being would step out of the shadows between us. It also would not speak. Oddly, I recognized this warrior part from some rather misguided "inner healing" work I had tried as a kid (grew up Pentecostal) but there he was… I recognize these parts now as Exiles and Protectors but I didn't have that framework at all.

I came out of this session completely gob smacked. What had I just experienced? Well with my father having been a therapist I was pretty well versed in most psychological models, and I pulled out some of Jung's writings on archetypes. I thought maybe I had somehow stumbled into this liminal space and I was oddly some kind of conscious observer of the unconscious mind at work for a brief bit. Kind of freaked me out honestly.

Reading Jung and searching the web I ran across a video interview with Robert Falconer regarding his book "The Others Within Us." I wouldn't recommend that book as an "introduction" to IFS lol… but he described in the book some experiences that he had had and that were shockingly similar to my own… So, I then needed to research this IFS thing in more depth… So then on to the Earley books and of course Schwartz' materials, and here we are.

IFS has been a true blessing for me. I grew up in a very poor, very narcissistic home with an N-mom and E-dad, and we were very, very religious. As I mentioned before my E-dad was a therapist, so… put all of that in a blender and you get some pretty messed up stuff going on with a combination of religion and psychology being weaponized and wielded against a child trying to figure out how to fit in the world.

I can't really "do" traditional therapy because of this, but IFS is definitely not like any of those other models, and I can also do it myself in most cases. It's been pretty freeing. I am glad to have this community as well, and I hope that each of you finds the healing you are seeking.

IFS isn't easy, and it doesn't always "work" the way I want it to. For example I am currently struggling with some "self-like parts" and trying to work with them to let me access actual Self, but even though it doesn't work the way I "want" it to work, it does work, and it can take some time, but I would suggest that even the time it does take is significantly less than I would spend working in other models to get to the same or similar result.

Also… I rather enjoy meeting many of my parts, even the "scary ones." When you grow up in a narcissistic home you have no clue who you are, at all. No "sense of self" as therapists would put it. I mean, I'm grown and have adult children of my own and I still don't know who I am. So, working with parts has been a bit of an exciting journey for me. "Oh, that's why I do/say/think that way sometimes" and even some negative things, when I can identify them as protectors, I can find their positive purpose and it helps me understand myself. It's kind of fun/not fun, but interesting to me.

I came to an important realization last year sometime, that I don't need to be "afraid" of any part. Looking scary, being angry, saying terrible things to me, about me, or about others, its all my power. I am the battery that runs this whole thing. They can't hurt me, they need me, and honestly, for a time, maybe even now, I need them. That tenacity, ferocity, discipline, anger, rage, it's all my power. I own it all. So… if I can work, meet, integrate, unburden, transform, etc. I get that power back we can all pull in the same direction rather than me pulling one way and parts pulling the other way, we are pulling together in the same way.

It's all my power, my energy, my greatness, but it's wrapped up in these parts all doing their best to help but not having the tools to be helpful in some cases. Now that I've realized that if these parts "unplug" from me, they are nothing, they cease to be, so… they can't hurt me. It's impossible. And that has helped me to calm down immensely and really enjoy meeting these parts and actually building some kind of relationship with them. One part I check in with often is truly transformed, and she is truly a positive energy, and before she was a literal void of despair. I had another part explain in great detail the indentured servitude of the Irish in the 1600s. Complete news to me… I've never heard that in my life, and I googled it after the session and was like, "What?!" So it can be very interesting.

One final point before I end this long post, is… I'm really not lonely anymore. I mean I feel lonely sometimes still, and I still feel "alone" at times, even in a crowd, but I'm not lonely overall. I can talk to my parts any time I want to. I can take time to get into Self (or close) any time I want to. If I have time to sit around and mope about being lonely, I can "phone a friend" and have a chat with Self or a part. And while this isn't therapy, it is still nice to be able to just have an interior conversation rather than getting stuck in my thoughts on loneliness.

Anyway, that's it. I hope someone finds this helpful, and interesting, but I felt compelled to share this story today for some reason and I hope that the right people out there can see it and that it is helpful or at least interesting 🙂