I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Aromatic_Cow8170

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for canceling my brother's wedding venue reservation after he uninvited me?

Thanks to u/soayherder + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: made small edits for readability

Trigger Warnings: drug use, financial entitlement

Original Post: September 5, 2024

So, I (37M) have a younger brother, "Tom" (26M), who’s getting married in three months. A year ago, when he and his fiancée were planning their wedding, they were struggling to find an affordable venue. I own a vacation property with a large yard that’s been used for a couple of small weddings before, so I offered it to him as a wedding venue, rent-free. My only condition was that I wanted to be part of the wedding party, which he agreed to. Everything seemed fine.

Last week, Tom and I got into a small argument. It really wasn’t a big deal, but a couple of days later, he texted me and said he and his fiancée decided to "downsize" their wedding party and I was no longer going to be a groomsman. I was shocked because I thought this was set in stone a year ago. I called him to ask what was going on, and he said it wasn’t personal, just that they wanted to keep things small and "intimate" and didn’t feel like they needed me in the wedding party.

I was pretty hurt, but I didn’t say anything at the time. Then it occurred to me: if I’m not important enough to be in his wedding party, why should I host the wedding at my place? So I called him again and told him that since I wasn’t going to be part of the wedding, they’d need to find another venue. Now, Tom and his fiancée are furious. They say they can’t afford another venue at this point and that I’m "ruining their big day." My parents are also upset and say I should just "let it go" and still host the wedding.

I feel like I was doing them a huge favor, and they essentially uninvited me from being part of the most important day of their lives. I don’t think I’m wrong to retract my offer, but now everyone’s making me feel guilty.

So, AITA for canceling the venue?

EDIT: This blew up way more than I thought it would, checked my messages after work today and holy crap. To answer a few questions I’m seeing repeatedly:

1. Why did I need to offer to loan out my vacation house to be in the wedding?

(Repeating one of my comments) My brother and I have had a little bit of a rocky relationship most of his life. Our age difference has always been an awkward amount and I think he’s jealous of my success in life too. He’s done ok but I’ve climbed the corporate ladder pretty quickly in finance and I think a lot of girls he’s dated have had crushes on me, being his older brother and the more successful one, and that bothers him. He picks small things to get mad at me about because of his jealousy and I felt like if I made it a condition of lending out my place he would let me be in his wedding.

2. What did you get into an argument about?

He got upset at me because he thinks I don’t do enough with our parents but I travel for my job so it’s harder for me to be there in person. I also help them out financially, which he never considers as helping out. They haven’t saved as much as they probably should and are getting closer to retirement so I help them out with some bills so they can put more in their 401k accounts instead but I guess that isn’t enough. He always finds something to say I’m doing wrong.

3. Are you still invited to the wedding?

Technically he only said im not in the wedding party but it feels like such a slap in the face at this point and it definitely feels like he doesn’t want me there.

I’ll try to talk to him again to see what the real issue is because “downsizing” seems like BS to me.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs with a few YTAs and ESHs.

Relevant Comments

Commenter #1 (downvoted): YTA. It’s very inappropriate for you to manipulate someone into being in their wedding.

It’s immature to withdraw your offer of the venue because they can’t afford much and you didn’t get your way.

For their sakes, I hope they can find a new venue so that they don’t have to deal with you and your behavior and they can exercise their justifiable right to not invite you.

OP doesn’t play well with others.

OOP: I don’t really feel like I’m manipulating anyone, I figured my only brother would want me there since we’re family. It feels like he isn’t telling me what the real reason is he doesn’t want me there and if he doesn’t want to treat me like family I guess I feel like I can return the favour.

Commenter #2: Petty, just like you should be : it was an agreement between the two of you : venue rent free but you are part of the wedding party.

Your brother decided to punish you the wrong way : as long as he took back his part of your contract, you are no longer forced to honor your part.

But it's too late for them to find something. You should tell them that as long as your brother can't honor his part of your deal, you're ok for them to do the venue at the same place but for X amount. Payable right now because, well, the confidence is broken.

Maybe it'll force your brother to tell you the real reason why he doesn't want you anymore in his wedding.

Commenter #3: I am curious. Why didn't your brother ask you to be in the wedding to begin with? You say you made it a condition for him to use your property and he agreed. Why would it be a condition? If he didn't ask you even before the property was offered why? Do you two not really get along or not that close? What was this argument about? Now you say it wasn't a big deal but maybe you don't think so but he does. What happened? For him to make up that excuse which you know that is the deal tells me he didn't want you in the wedding party to begin with. In that regard I don't blame you. I think you need to elaborate regarding your relationship with your brother.

Update September 6, 2024

Ok so if anyone wants to see my original post, here it is.

I was having a hard time believing my brother when he told me they were “downsizing” the wedding party just to make it more “intimate” but that’s all he kept saying when I would ask for the real reason.

In all honesty, my brother and I aren’t that close, which I’m sure is obvious from my last post. After my emotions settled down a bit I told my brother I wanted to talk to him. He wasn’t responding to me so I said I wanted to talk to him about potentially letting them still use my vacation house. Not totally the truth but it seemed like a good way to get him to talk.

He finally responded but said I couldn’t come over, he would only meet me somewhere public…which seemed weird. We ended up meeting at a bar late last night that I like near my place and I straight up just asked him why he was REALLY kicking me out of his wedding and I would only consider letting them use my vacation house if he told me the truth.

He was getting pretty fidgety and looking away from me and finally told me the truth. Apparently his fiancée heard that I may do a bit of cocaine here and there for fun and she told him that she “didn’t want a crackhead in her wedding.” He said he actually kind of agreed with her and was disappointed in what I was doing.

I told him if I’m too much of a “crackhead” to be there then they really shouldn’t want to use a crackhead’s house for their wedding and I left.

I don’t really see how it impacts them what I do in my free time but I really don’t care to be there now if that’s what they think of me. I haven’t said a word to him since then but I’m guessing I won’t be hearing from him again soon.

EDIT: To answer some consistent questions/comments:

1. “Oh you must be a drug addict!”

I do coke maybe a handful of times a year recreationally with some people that I party with. Obviously this gossip travelled through the grape vine where circles overlapped and got to them somehow. I wasn’t “discovered” because I’m an addict. Like some have said, it’s more common than you think. You’d be surprised who does it.

1. “You must have a drug problem for them to react that way about it!”

My brother’s fiancée comes from a very religious and conservative family. They think anyone that does a hard drug must be a degenerate and is going to hell. That’s the funny part about her calling me a crackhead. Crack is wack, she clearly doesn’t understand coke is different but I’m not going to go on a mission to educate her, it would be wasted effort on my part.

You can be successful in life and recreationally use drugs. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Honestly pretty much anyone I know that does coke has plenty of money and a great job, or they married someone rich/inherited money.

FINAL COMMENTS: Well, after scrolling through a decent amount of comments, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m obviously a terrible douche bag with an enormous drug problem that only thinks about myself and is extremely conceited. /s

Some parts of that may be true but I do care about my family and try to help my parents in the way that I know how. For those of you that are familiar with Fight Club; I am a Single Serving Friend kind of person. I don’t really get close with many people and I have a hard time staying in one place, that’s why I have a job where I need to travel all the time. I like the variety and the challenge of it, settling down, having kids, all that makes me super uncomfortable. Obviously I’d be a terrible father so there’s no way I’ll have kids (snip snip).

My brother is a settle down kind of guy and thinking about it, that’s probably why he doesn’t like me. I wanted to be a groomsman for him because I wanted to be a part of something in his life but in a capacity I can handle.

One last note; I’ve got awesome parents that love me for who I am and they know I love them even if I’m not around a ton. They worked super hard to raise us and give us everything we needed when they came from a poorer background. I help them how I know I can. Not everyone shows they care in the same way you do, so chill and don’t think I’m an ass because my way of caring is mostly financial.

Peace out friends.

Relevant Comments

Commenter #1: I'm getting older. I'm seeing just how many people ACTUALLY do coke (and it's usually occasionally), has completely changed my perspective. Also, crack and coke are very, very different (R.I.P. Whitney).

That's a dumbass reason. Do they think you're going to be strung out during the wedding? They want the crackhead's rental property, but not the crackhead?

Make it make sense? NTA

OOP: I use how you’re describing. You’re 100% correct, I don’t touch crack, just recreational coke and I and very functional in my life.

Probably not healthy but I see it like alcohol, I’m not abusing it so I’m doing ok.

My brother didn’t say who they heard it from but I could guess a handful of people that would be in a party group I hang out with that news like that could travel from. If they didn’t hear it through the grape vine they never would have known so I obviously wouldn’t have gone to their wedding strung out. A pretty large number of people don’t get that, you’re absolutely right.

Commenter #2: “You are a crackhead, therefore we don’t want you around our wedding.

However, we still would very much like to use your crackhouse as our wedding venue.”

Commenter #3: What I hate is it wasn’t like they were concerned for OP’s health and wellbeing just how things impact them. If it is such a big problem it should be about his health. I’d never talk to them again and def make them get a new venue.

Commenter #4: I mean, cocaine isn’t very good for you, but you and your property should be a package deal. If your behavior is so bad they don’t want you in the wedding, then they shouldn’t want your place either.

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